Support Groups - Same-Sex Attraction

Group4 Many people who experience same-sex attraction find support groups to be helpful. This section explains how they can provide understanding, acceptance, and encouragement.

Many people who experience same-sex attraction find support groups to be helpful. A support group should be a safe and confidential place where you can feel the love and acceptance of others. It is a place to find encouragement from others who have similar values and goals. A support group can help reduce your feelings of being alone, different, and isolated. This section discusses the purpose of support groups and explains what to look for in choosing one. It then discusses how to support each other in a group and the need for spirituality and safety. Finally, it explains how a sports program can be helpful.

A support group is about helping others. In the beginning, you attend to help yourself, but you soon discover that you find the help you need when you extend help to others. When you begin to care more about their needs than your own, you find healing in the process. You realize that you have something to offer to others.

Support groups emphasize dialogue as a way of learning. As you listen to each other, perhaps for the first time you will listen to yourself. The typical newcomer sits and listens and soon discovers that he has finally found people who think and feel like he does. When he recognizes that he is safe and can trust the group, he begins to open up and the healing process of sharing begins. He discovers that even when others know all about his issues, they still accept him. Once the fear of rejection is gone, he finds that he has the courage to relate to others in the group and eventually to men outside the group. Support groups can help you by providing:

a safe environment where you can face your problems.
feedback, insight, and practical ideas from others who have experienced the same things you experience.
a place to begin to build healthy relationships with others of your same sex.
interpersonal experiences in validation, love, and friendship.
direction, vision, goals, and encouragement to continue when it is difficult.
accountability for your actions.
positive experiences to offset the effects of negative peer pressure.
reduction of your sense of isolation.
understanding, empathy, and acceptance from others.

A support group alone may not provide answers to all your issues. A support group should never take the place of a church, your circle of friends, or a professional counselor.

Depending on your personal issues, you may find individual or group therapy helpful. If you have addictive behaviors, you need the help of a twelve-step program (see the section “Organizations and Resources.”)

Choosing a Support Group

Support groups have varied purposes and goals. Before deciding to participate in a support group, review its goals and practices carefully to ensure it aligns with your vision of the kind of support you want. Before you choose a support group, get a copy of their written literature and read the group’s mission statement. (If they don’t have a mission or values statement, they likely have not defined their purpose well enough for it to be a healthy environment.) Does the group function according to the written statements? Do the values and beliefs of the group match yours? Does the group inspire respect for the individual and promote personal growth? Does the group have written policies to protect participants in their vulnerabilities and provide a safe environment? Are members of the group required to support each other in healthy, positive behaviors and avoid encouraging or engaging in negative behaviors?

Joining a Support Group

When you first attend a support group, you will likely go through the following stages:

Fear and anticipation. You may have concerns as you attend your first meeting. Will the other men accept me? Will I be able to open up to them?
Sense of relief. Although your first meeting can be frightening, you will soon find that it is easy to make friends because people are there to lend support. Most people report an enormous sense of relief to have found a group of people who also experience attractions and whose values and beliefs match theirs.
Curiosity and sharing. The next phase is one of learning new information and exchanging ideas with others in the group and hearing what has helped them to be successful.

Open and Closed Group Formats

An open group is one where you can attend group meetings whenever you like. A closed group is one where the participants are identified and each makes a commitment to attend all meetings for a certain duration. Closed groups are more stable because the same people attend on a regular basis. Because of this continuity, the participants tend to be more dedicated and accountable to each other, and it is easier to trust members.

How to Support Each Other in a Group

The Bible exhorts us to bear one another’s burdens (see Galatians 6:1–2). We also read, “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).

Alex explained, “The men in my support group were able to give me a lot of support and help. They understood my feelings and helped me find solutions to my problems. When I felt vulnerable, I called them and they talked me out of inappropriate actions. They were genuinely concerned about me, and I was genuinely concerned about them. I relied on them many times. I never would have made it without the love and support I got from my friends who were always there when I needed them.”

The following suggestions can help you have effective relationships in your group:

Be a consistent support to others in the group. Make attendance at the group meetings a high priority. Consistency is important both for your own progress and that of other participants.

Be honest with yourself. Many people tend to keep issues hidden and festering. Many people feel that they are the only ones to have same-sex attractions. Admitting your feelings can be a first step in healing.

Be honest with others in your group. Sharing with others in the group can help relieve feelings of isolation. As you openly explore your feelings in regular meetings, you can get much needed support from those who have experienced the same things in their lives. You can help each other be accountable and you can share with each other the things that you have found to be helpful.

Confront and challenge other group members. Sexual activity thrives in secret, and the group can be a place to bring it to light. Group members who are trying to control their sexual behavior can challenge each other kindly and respectfully and help others be honest with themselves when they see rationalization or denial.

Respect the rights of others. Respect the right of others to have opinions different from yours. No one should ridicule or belittle another participant, even jokingly, nor should they be judgmental or critical of others. Like you, they are struggling with difficult circumstances.

Give equal time. Don’t dominate the discussion time but allow others the chance to express themselves as well. Allow equal time even to those who appear not to want to talk. You have a responsibility to help them feel comfortable and bring them out of their silence.

Have a proper spirit in every meeting. Although the meetings don’t need to be somber, they should have a tone of respect for each other. Every meeting should begin and end with prayer to invite God’s Spirit to guide you through the process. Watch your conversations so they don’t drive the Spirit away.

Avoid inappropriate conversations. Share your feelings and experiences with others, but don’t give graphic details of sexual activities or divulge locations, websites, or names of apps where sex or pornography is available. Don’t assume that everyone knows what you know. Keep conversations about others positive. Don’t let the discussions become a pity party where you devalue other people but instead encourage each other in positive ways.

Help others recognize and develop feelings of self-worth. Help others see their value as individuals. Always watch out for others and when it appears they need extra help, do all you can to include them and help them feel part of the group. In addition to acts of kindness, tell them you love them and appreciate their friendship. Help them see that their friendship is of great value to you.

Move to deeper levels of conversation. It is usually easy to talk about surface, knowledge-based things. Although this kind of conversation is necessary to build a relationship, be sure that you also discuss feelings. When you begin talking about your feelings and emotional reactions to things you move into the areas that will be the most beneficial.

Be accountable to each other. Group members should hold each other accountable by asking each other to report regularly on their progress toward their goals. You may want to organize a buddy system so that when you are tempted to do something inappropriate, you have a buddy you can call to help.

Be wise in your activities with other participants. Don’t participate in activities that cause you to be vulnerable, arouse same-sex feelings, or include physical intimacy with others. Avoid inappropriate jokes and innuendo. Don’t spend excessive time with any one participant to protect yourself and the other person from emotional dependency or from the possibility of sexual behavior. Limit the time you spend with group members. Spending excessive time with them limits your time to associate with others from outside the group.

Confidentiality and Anonymity

Many people who have same-sex attractions have chosen not to disclose them to others outside the group and could be hurt by the release of information about their situation. In some cases, even spouses may not be aware of their participation in the group. Rules of confidentiality ensure privacy for everyone. It is a safeguard of special significance to those who may hesitate to participate in a group if they have any reason to believe that private information about them could be revealed to others.

In addition to protecting the identities of fellow participants, it is vital to keep confidential everything that is said in the group. A helpful phrase to remember is: “What we say here stays here.” Outside the meetings, don’t mention the people you saw or repeat the things you heard. One careless slip of the tongue overheard by someone else could have a devastating effect on a fellow participant. While this principle may be clear in theory, putting it into practice may not always be easy. The following general guidelines may be helpful:

Keep identities anonymous. Most groups have guidelines about using only first names and last initials.
Membership lists. Lists of names, telephone numbers, and addresses should be kept only when necessary. If you keep lists of members, guard them with strict care.
Return addresses on mailings. If the organization mails materials, consider not including the name of the organization in the return address.
When leaving messages, be careful not to identify the individual with any group or meeting or to inadvertently divulge information that may be revealing. Assume that the person who receives the message knows nothing about the individual’s involvement with the group. Be aware that some people pretend to know more than they actually know to get information from you, sometimes unintentionally (out of curiosity) and sometimes willfully (out of spite). Either case can be damaging. Since others may have access to the individual’s voice mail or e-mail, leave only the information you would give to a stranger.

Spirituality in Group Meetings

For many people, spirituality can be a great motivator in achieving their personal goals. If this is your motivation, it is critical that you make spirituality a key ingredient in your support group program. You can strengthen each other by sharing testimonies, praying for each other, and encouraging each other to be righteous. There are many encouraging stories from groups about spiritual experiences that have had a profound influence on their growth and recovery. If your group is not having similar experiences, evaluate your activities and plan for ways to invite God’s Spirit into all you do.

Safety Boundaries

In addition to the safety rules of the group, it is important to establish personal boundaries. While the group process is helpful, it can also open you to dangers you need to manage. In the group setting, you experience emotional intimacy with others on levels that perhaps you have not experienced before. Although you do not talk about sexual details, the fact that you discuss sexual problems may make you vulnerable. If your discussions open old wounds, you may experience anxiety or hurt and be tempted to revert to old patterns of behavior to relieve the pain. Since each person in the group discusses his or her area of vulnerability, others can wittingly or unwittingly take advantage. Therefore, boundaries must be established for the protection of everyone in the group. These external controls are safeguards to prevent you from responding to situations in unhealthy ways.

You will likely need to set personal boundaries on what you will and will not do after the meeting.

John explained, “When my friend Randy first joined his support group, he was so relieved to find other men with similar goals, that he didn’t want to go home after the meetings ended. He would stay in the parking lot talking with his newfound friends for hours. He also discovered that he was vulnerable during these late-night chats alone with other men and found himself getting intimate with one man. He quickly had to set boundaries to stay out of trouble and committed never to be alone with another man because he knew there was safety in numbers. He also set for himself a limit of thirty minutes after the meeting, at which time he would get in his car and go home. He found that if he was not careful, from 9:00 to 11:00 p.m. after the meeting he could undo all the good he did from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. in the meeting. Go home while you are still on a spiritual high so you can continue to think through new ideas and keep positive thoughts on your mind. Keep the momentum going and don’t lessen the experience with something less uplifting.”

If two members of the group carpool to the meetings, it may be a good idea to hold them accountable each week for the time they were alone together. When they arrive at the meeting, ask them how the drive went, and before they leave after the meeting, ask them if they feel they are vulnerable and what they intend to do about it.

For many people entering a support group, boundaries are nebulous, and while there is room for growth, there is also the potential for sexual problems if it is not managed properly. Watch for people who cross boundaries or don’t set boundaries. Challenge people to look at how they respect themselves, how they set boundaries, and how they maintain integrity for themselves.

If group leaders suspect problems, they should confront those involved to determine if there are problems. Such confrontation should not be accusatory, but in a spirit of concern for their welfare and a desire to help them grow. This can be a good learning opportunity for those who may not know how to interact with each other socially in appropriate ways.

If sexual activities occur, group leaders should intervene immediately since sexual activity can quickly destroy the unity of the group. The leaders should confront those involved and discuss the occurrence to help them understand what led to the behavior and to set in place precautions to avoid a recurrence.

How to Find a Support Group

To find a support group whose values and beliefs match yours, see the section “Organizations and Resources.”

Sports

For some men, sports is one of the things that separates them from other men. If you didn’t participate in team sports with other boys, you may now feel apart from the world of sports with other men.

If you have never developed a skill at a sport, you may want to consider joining a community league that teaches adults the basic rules of the game and provides opportunities to play the sport. Participants learn how to function on a team and have the chance to interface with other men and minimize their fear of the sport.

Jeff wrote, “I wanted to overcome my inhibitions and rid myself of the crippling envy I’d felt…. And hating my lifelong feelings of being awkward and incompetent at sports while other guys seemed to have been born on the playing field, I learned how to play softball and then volleyball by taking morning classes at college. Anything that I’d allowed to restrain me in the past I was now determined to overcome. Every root I could find to my negative self-image I regarded as a challenge.”

Participation in sports can help you do the following:

Learn the rules of the sport and through practice gain a certain level of skill.
Learn teamwork by playing with other men.
Experience friendly competition in a team sport.
Develop a healthier body image and increase feelings of self-worth.
Face and resolve old fears and feelings of rejection and feel accepted as a member of a team of men.

Jason wrote the following about his experience with learning sports as an adult:

My father was not home much as I grew up, and I was never encouraged to participate in sports. I was never on a little league team, nor do I recall ever playing backyard football with neighborhood friends. In college, it seemed that all that my roommates cared about was sports. So, on Saturdays while they were vegetating on the couch watching one game after another, I went to work or to the library. The more they cared about sports, the less I cared, and the gulf between us grew wider. When they dragged me to a college football game, I found myself cheering at the wrong times, so I soon replaced “yea” and “boo” to “oh-h-h-h” which they could interpret as either good or bad, depending on how the play turned out.

In my thirties, I knew it was time I learned at least something about basketball and football, so I joined a men’s sports group. The first time I showed up at basketball practice, I froze in the hallway when I heard the balls bouncing inside the gym. However, when I finally got the courage to go in, I found the other guys were just as uncoordinated and fearful as I was. I found it was a nonjudgmental environment where I could learn the rules of basketball and enjoy playing the game with other guys. Participating in the sports program really built my feelings of self-worth. My lack of skill in sports had been a reason for me to distance myself from other men, but with a little practice I found I was actually a good basketball player and then had the confidence to play on our church basketball team.

The next season was softball, and I had greater fears. Even though I enjoyed basketball, I dreaded the thoughts of softball because it brought back old feelings of ridicule that I experienced on the ball field in elementary school. I wrote the following in my journal after my first softball practice in the sports program:

“The last time I was on a softball field was in the third grade, when we occasionally played softball for physical exercise. When they chose teams, I was always the last to be chosen—even after the girls! I always played outfield, because out there no one expected you to always catch the ball or to be able to throw it all the way to the infield. In the batting lineup, I would say that I had already batted and continually slip to the end of the line.

“Now I am thirty-five years old, and I can do anything I want—except play softball. And it still separates me from other men. I don’t care to become good at softball; I just want to feel comfortable enough to join in an occasional game. With basketball, I found that I actually knew most of the rules of the game, and with some practice I wasn’t a bad shot. Now, why couldn’t I do the same with softball? Besides, most of the guys learning softball were the same klutzes I had played basketball with.

“I showed up in the parking lot with my brand-new Dale Murphy Rawlings mitt. How was I to know that you’re supposed to oil a new mitt before you use it? I didn’t even bring a baseball cap. How can I act like I know what I’m doing without a baseball cap? And besides, where’s Buzz? He played little league, so he’ll know what to do. I need him! I got nervous and turned back to get something I suddenly ‘remembered I had left in the car.’ I met Buzz halfway back, and my confidence waxed strong again.

“Buzz and I picked up a softball and threw it back and forth. He showed me how to hold the ball and how to throw. Now that wasn’t so hard. I even caught almost every throw. The coach gave me a few more pointers and we threw for a minute until he had to coach the game. I found a spot on the bleachers and watched my friends bat and run the bases. And everyone cheered. My mind went back to grade school, and suddenly I felt I was a fat, uncoordinated little boy again. I was up to bat, and the pressure was on me to perform. Everyone was counting on me. And everyone knew I would fail. Why does it matter if you hit a ball with a stick or if you miss? With a few swings of the bat, I would be a hero or a felon. Self-images are created and destroyed so easily. For some reason, softball represented all the negative experiences I had as a child. It reminded me how I felt as a fat, clumsy boy trying to fit in with the crowd. It represented peer pressure and inadequacy. And the tears came freely. Thank heavens for sunglasses. But soon the sunglasses couldn’t hide the tears that were streaming down my face and I had to leave. I found a shady spot under a tree about a hundred yards away where I could still see and hear the game. It was safer there. I could see them, but they couldn’t see me. And no one could see me cry.

“Before long, Buzz found me and I cried on his shoulder. He reminded me how I started basketball without any experience and ended up doing well and how softball could be the same. He reminded me that courage is not the absence of fear, but acting despite fear. As I left the field that day, the immature side of me said, ‘Never set foot on this field again. You don’t have to go through this humiliation.’ But the side of me that wants to grow assured me that I had to face my fears head-on. I have something at stake. My four-year-old son plays t-ball on a community team, and I am scared to play catch with him. (As I write this, I am overcome with emotion that a thirty-five-year-old father would be scared to play catch with his four-year-old son.) It won’t be easy to show up for practice next Saturday. The fears won’t be gone, and the tears will probably be near the surface again. But it’s something I must do. And if it does not kill me, it will make me stronger.

“The next Friday, my friend Buzz took me to the batting cages to learn how to bat. He showed me how to hold the bat, how to stand, and how to swing. We were both surprised at how well I did. I missed only a half dozen out of fifty pitches! All it took was a little time and encouragement to give me the confidence I needed to go to the next practice.

“The next Saturday practice was a good experience. Since Buzz had helped me the day before, I went up to bat with confidence. The coach helped me in a kind way without being condescending. In practice, I hit my five balls with only seven pitches. We then played a short game, and I hit both times I was at bat! After practice, Andy talked with me about my fears of softball. He had only seen the confident side of me and was glad to see that I had fears and doubts and hesitations like everyone else. He admitted that although he feels comfortable with softball, he is scared to think about playing basketball. Since I feel comfortable with basketball, I promised to help him when basketball season comes.

“As I think back on what Buzz did to help me with softball, it is surprising what little it took to get me through what I viewed as an insurmountable fear. All it took from Buzz was a little time and concern for me to feel comfortable to show up at practices and now I can do the same to help Andy.”