Same-sex attraction (also known as homosexuality, gay, lesbian, or LGBQ) refers to an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to people of the same sex. This chapter defines common terms, and then discusses attractions, identity, and behavior.
Definitions
Same-sex attraction refers to an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions to people of the same sex—a man attracted to another man or a woman attracted to another woman. This interest may include desires for their attention, friendship, and intimacy, or fascination with their bodies and other gender traits. It may also include erotic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors directed toward the same sex.
This attraction may or may not be exclusive to the same sex or may be alongside an attraction to the opposite sex. Some of these people may choose to identify as bisexual.
The term homosexuality refers to the entire range of issues that includes attractions, feelings, desires, sexual behavior, identity, and all its associated aspects, such as gender identity, self-perception, emotional dependencies, and relationship issues.
A person who experiences same-sex attraction may experience one or more of the following:
- Intense attractions toward people of the same sex. (These feelings may or may not be sexual or erotic.)
- Intense emotional involvement with people of the same sex.
- Sexual behavior.
The term homosexual is a clinical term that is considered offensive to some people when used as a noun to identify people who self-identify as gay. It may also be offensive to people who experience same-sex attractions but don’t identify as gay. The former typically prefer the terms gay (referring to men or women) and lesbian (referring to women) and the latter sometimes prefer the term same-sex attraction because the terms gay or lesbian also imply a political, cultural, and social identity. Note that same-sex attraction is also sometimes referred to as same-gender attraction, although these are clinically different issues.
Note: Same-gender attraction is an attraction to someone with a common gender role. Most heterosexual men feel a kinship, affinity, or attraction to other men who manifest gender traits and roles that they find appealing or comfortable to be around. Since they are drawn to men who have similar gender traits, most heterosexual men experience same-gender attraction.
Most men who experience same-sex attraction do not experience same-gender attraction. A man with same-sex attraction is typically attracted to gender traits that he feels he lacks—gender traits that he sees as being different from himself. For example, he may see other men as having masculinity than he does not have, or he may be attracted to other gender characteristics of men that he feels he lacks.
He is actually experiencing opposite-gender attraction toward a member of the same sex.
Some people and organizations favor the term same-gender attraction as a euphemism to avoid the frequent repetition of the word sex, even though they are referring to same-sex attraction.
Gender and sex are not synonymous. Sex is an underlying biological given (male and female). Gender refers to traits and roles (like masculinity and femininity). Gender traits used to be closely aligned with sex—for example, masculinity with men and femininity with women. But today, gender identities include not just masculinity and femininity, but also transgender, bigender, nonbinary, androgyne, etc.
Sexual orientation refers to the sex to which a person is attracted and which forms the focus of the person’s romantic or erotic desires, fantasies, dreams, and spontaneous feelings. The terms sexual preference and sexual inclination have similar meanings. Sexual orientation is also a legal term used in laws that prohibit discrimination based on homosexuality, heterosexuality, and bisexuality.
A person may be heterosexual (their focus is primarily people of the opposite sex), homosexual (their focus is primarily people of the same sex), bisexual (their focus may be both or either sex in varying degrees), or asexual (no sexual desire for either sex).
Attractions
From a traditional Judeo-Christian perspective, emotional and social interests in individuals of the same sex are healthy as long as they are not enmeshed or codependent and don’t develop a romantic or erotic dimension. When same-sex interests become eroticized, they cross the line that God designed for relationships with people of the same sex. (For a discussion of these religious issues, see the page “Spirituality.”)
Same-sex attractions almost always develop without any conscious choice. At some point in your life, you may have realized that you were sexually attracted to other men. (See footnote below.) These inner attractions may have become intense sexual thoughts toward other men and may have consumed a great deal of your thoughts and energy. If sexual attractions are not understood and addressed, they can grow into obsessions that interfere with your ability to function at work, at school, and at home, and can be destructive spiritually. It is interesting to note that same-sex attractions are often more compelling than healthy opposite-sex attractions because they may be symptomatic of more than just sexual desires—they are sometimes attempts to fill fundamental unmet emotional and social needs. (See the page “Issues Common Among Men Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction.”)
Many men report they first noticed these attractions before puberty—before they felt or understood sexual feelings. The feelings were not inherently sexual, but at some point, became eroticized. Men have natural social and emotional needs towards other men, and when these needs are not filled in the normal developmental process, they may become sexualized toward those of the same sex.
Thus, the attractions may actually be attempts to meet the emotional and identity needs that were not fulfilled in the normal developmental process. Ironically, although the needs are felt as sexual, sexual intimacy may not fill such needs. The solution is neither to suppress the needs nor eroticize them, but to fill the needs through healthy emotional (nonsexual) means. Here, then, is the irony—same-sex attraction may have little to do with sex. The needs may not be homosexual, but homoemotional.
Identity
Many men with same-sex attractions report they felt different as boys but didn’t know why. For them, the pain of growing up with same-sex attractions was not so much the pain of being attracted to boys, but the feelings of being different. If this describes you, these feelings of being different may have become self-fulfilling prophecies as you separated yourself from the very boys you needed to bond with. You may have longed to feel you were on par with other boys, but this longing only widened the gulf between you and the rest of the guys. Feeling different may have created a mindset that influenced your self-perception and development. When other children sensed this hesitancy, they may have attacked it, confirming that you were different. Thus, you withdrew from other boys to defend yourself from the pain.
You may have sensed your attractions were abnormal because of the gay jokes you heard, so you learned to keep the feelings to yourself, creating further problems of isolation and secrecy, which are powerful forces that kept your relationship needs from being fulfilled. When the rest of your male friends seemed normally attracted to females, you may have wondered why you were attracted to males. If these attractions were in conflict with your religious beliefs and society’s norms, you may have felt that your innermost feelings were wrong and since you didn’t choose to have these feelings, you may have wondered if there was something inherently wrong with you. This may have created an internal struggle as you desperately tried to understand these feelings and make sense of them in terms of your own internal values and religious beliefs.
Behavior
As discussed above, for many men, these homoemotional needs may intensify the feelings driving homosexual behavior.
Same-sex attractions can be strong. Because of the intensity of these sexual desires, you may have participated in sexual activities to fill the void you felt. These activities may have felt natural and satisfying, leading you to believe that your needs were inherently sexual rather than emotional. In a desperate attempt to satisfy these building tensions, you may have become involved in sexual activities that provided a temporary gratification of the sex drive, but also left you with deeper feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and frustration. Rather than satisfying the relationship needs for acceptance and companionship, sexual behavior may have only intensified the needs. (Read more in the chapter “Homosexual Behavior.”)
Not all men find themselves involved in sexual behavior. Some men have participated in only limited sexual behavior and others have not acted sexually on these attractions.
There is a distinction between having sexual thoughts or feelings and participating in inappropriate sexual behavior. Since the attractions emerged through no conscious choice, you should not feel guilty or ashamed of having them. However, you can choose how to respond to the attractions and decide whether to participate in inappropriate sexual activity.
Sexual attractions toward the same sex may distort potentially fulfilling relationships between a man and a woman and can steer you away from the blessings that can be found in traditional marriage and family relationships. Such attractions may divert men from the roles of husband and father and women from the roles of wife and mother.
Homosexual behavior is of particular concern to those who believe it violates God’s commandments. God created His children as male and female (see Genesis 1:27) and designed that men and women join under the covenant of marriage to procreate and fulfill their eternal destiny. We live on this earth having human experiences to learn and grow so we can become the true men, women, husbands, wives, fathers, and mothers that God wishes us to be.
The scriptures are clear in condemning homosexual practices. “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet” (Romans 1:26–27; KJV).
The Bible teaches that sexual relations are appropriate only within a marriage between a man and a woman. Any other sexual relations, including fornication, adultery, and homosexual behavior is sinful. You can choose to avoid inappropriate sexual activity. (See the page “Homosexual Behavior.”)
Read the section: What Causes Same-sex Attraction?