Homosexual Behavior - Same-Sex Attraction

Group2flop Although you experience same-sex attractions, you can choose your behavior and set personal boundaries on your actions. Avoid bad habits and addictions because they can compromise your power to choose.

This section assumes you have determined that you do not want to engage in homosexual behavior. You believe that God’s law of moral conduct includes sexual abstinence outside of lawful marriage between a man and a woman, and fidelity within marriage.

This section is organized as follows:

Principles to consider about changing your behavior.
Suggested actions for changing behavior patterns.
Specific advice about controlling fantasy, pornography, masturbation, and homosexual behavior.

Appropriate Intimacy

Intimacy involves closeness in relationships and sharing of your true self. For hearts to bond, affections must be shared. In building healthy relationships, it is important to understand correct principles of both physical and emotional intimacy.

Physical Intimacy

We all have basic emotional needs for affirmation, affection, attention, and approval. If these needs were not met as you grew up, deficits were created, and as you instinctively searched for ways to meet emotional needs, at some point they may have become sexualized. If this is the case with you, the solution now is to back out of the sexual feelings, but not to the point of emotional indifference. You need to find ways to appropriately express your affections.

This can be tricky for men because male affection is limited in contemporary Western culture. While women friends may hug each other upon greeting, men usually shake hands. Two women may even hold hands at particularly emotional times, while it is out of the norm in many cultures for two men to do the same. For some men, this arms-length intimacy is sufficient for their needs, while other men wish they could express more affection but are held back by cultural norms. It is interesting to note that when men’s defenses are down (such as when they are drunk) or when they are particularly excited (such as at the winning score at a sports event), they tend to be all over each other, hugging and touching. Cultural norms guide a lot of what we do.

Traveling in different countries, it is easy to note different cultural norms that guide the physical expression of intimacy. In some cultures, men show more affection with each other by greeting each other with a kiss or by holding hands. These customs may allow men to more easily meet their needs for physical affection and affirmation from other men. In some countries, males spend a great deal of time together in bonding activities. For them, it is not a social taboo to touch another man, to hold hands in particularly emotional moments, or to walk down the street with an arm around the other’s shoulder. This level of male companionship can be healthy if handled appropriately. It may be helpful for you to think through cultural norms and establish your own personal boundaries.

Roger explained, “When I began to really watch the men around my office, I was surprised to realize I was the least physical man in the office. I began to notice when men touched each other, and I tried to follow their lead.” Many men will respond positively if you ask them for a hug.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy includes the sharing of your personal thoughts and feelings. Emotional intimacy increases the more you disclose yourself to others. Because of the shame you may have felt, you may have learned to hide your true self from others, and maybe even from yourself. Once you come to understand and appreciate who you really are, you owe it to yourself to share that person with others. When you do, you will be able to support each other. Life and love are meaningless if they are not shared and those who find a way to be open with each other can be more emotionally healthy.

Ben explained, “Once I started opening up to friends, for the first time in my life I no longer felt like I was unacceptable because I started to find out that people could know everything about me and still want to be my friend. In fact, through the sharing of deep emotions, I gained some of my closest friends, and I continue to seek such relationships. It seems that the value and impact of the friendship is directly proportional to the emotional investment I make. The more I share and trust, the more sharing and trusting I receive—and I think there is more value in that simple truth than most of the things I learned in college or since.”

How to Meet Your Needs for Intimacy

All your needs for intimacy will not be met perfectly all the time. There will be some disappointment. Don’t become discouraged and stop trying to build relationships when you become disappointed. Disappointment does not mean rejection. Be confident in the fact that other people give you their time, even though you may wish they would give you more attention or verbal or physical signs of affection. Learn to accept their intangible forms of affirmation. Remember that most men bond by doing things rather than talking about things. If another man is spending time with you doing things, recognize that he is saying that you are worth spending time with. His smile may mean the same as a hug.

To better understand how men express themselves, you may want to read the books Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus[1] by John Gray or He: Understanding Masculine Psychology[2] by Robert A. Johnson.

Understanding Your Behavior

Behaviors are purposeful and are governed by valid, ordered sequences of experience. While homosexual behavior may appear illogical to many people, it served what you viewed as a useful purpose and was rational from your point of view. It may have felt very natural and familiar. Barney Swihart wrote, “Sexual bondage is never about simple lust or external behavior. It is in response to the deep wounds of life that sexual strugglers develop self-protective relational walls to insulate themselves from further hurt. However, the sad irony is that the very walls they have cultivated to ‘protect’ themselves now have become the ‘prison’ that keeps them in bondage.”[3]

Behavior Is a Choice

Do your current behaviors build you up or tear you down? Look back at the values and goals you set for yourself in the section “How Do You Want to Respond to Your Same-sex Attraction?” Do your current behaviors take you toward or away from your ultimate goals? When you behave contrary to your personal values, your internal feelings of self-worth decrease, but when you behave consistently with your personal values, your feelings of self-worth increase. Integrity is to have the moral courage to make your actions consistent with your knowledge of right and wrong. As you look at your behaviors, if you find any that are incongruent with the things you really value in life, change them to actions that are congruent with your values and with eternal gospel principles. All people have sexual urges and if we control those urges, we gain self-mastery and strength. If we yield to our carnal desires and urges, we get weaker until our actions are beyond control.

“We give our lives to that which we give our time.”[4] We become oriented to that to which we repeatedly give our hearts. Do you spend your time in healthy or unhealthy pursuits? Everything you do today affects your future. You can destroy your future or build your future by the choices you make today. “Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good….” (Isaiah 55:2) Behaving in harmony with healthy desires brings positive consequences, while violating them brings negative consequences.

Stephen Covey wrote, “Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen.”[5] You didn’t have a choice about the emergence of your same-sex attractions, but you do have a choice in how you respond to them. Although a person may crave food, he can learn to control his appetite and does not have to become obese. You have the choice of engaging in inappropriate activities or avoiding them. Each new choice in your life is an opportunity to move away from unwanted behaviors and toward a more desirable state.

You become truly free when you master your desires and have control of yourself. You may not immediately be able to free yourself from unwanted thoughts simply by desiring to do so. However, you can choose to govern your behavior. You can choose to control your actions.

Habits, Addictions, and Compulsions

Sexual behaviors can be extremely addictive, whether they involve fantasies, solitary activities, or actions with others. Habits and addictions are self-defeating behaviors that trade short-term benefits for long-term ones. (Read the section “Sexual Compulsions and Addictions” in the section “Issues Common Among Men Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction.”)

Dr. Russell M. Nelson explained, “From an initial experiment thought to be trivial, a vicious cycle may follow. From trial comes a habit. From habit comes dependence. From dependence comes addiction. Its grasp is so gradual. Enslaving shackles of habit are too small to be sensed until they are too strong to be broken.”[6]

Some people are more susceptible than others to addictions. Some people are more easily addicted to smoking than others. Some cannot take an occasional drink without becoming alcoholics. These tendencies may restrict the person’s freedom, but not his ability to choose. He may not be free to drink without addiction, but his agency allows him to choose not to drink at all.

Dr. Russell M. Nelson explained, “While we are free to choose, once we have made those choices, we are tied to the consequences of those choices. We are free to take drugs or not. But once we choose to use a habit-forming drug, we are bound to the consequences of that choice. Addiction surrenders our later freedom to choose. Through chemical means, one can literally become disconnected from his or her own will!”[7]

Since behaviors become increasingly strengthened through repetition, we should avoid any behavior that is habit-forming or addictive. This is particularly important with sexual behaviors, because the intensity of sensual pleasure adds to the addictive nature of the action. Combining sex with drugs is particularly dangerous. Joe Dallas wrote, “Compulsive sexual behavior…includes lust and poor self-control, of course, but it is much more than that. It is a repetitive, constant form of sexual activity that a person feels compelled—not just tempted—to indulge in…. [I]t’s bondage of the worst kind because there’s so much shame and remorse attached to it, making it terribly secretive and usually dangerous.”[8]

Joe Dallas explained, “To be sexually addicted is to literally rely on sex to stabilize you. It’s a state in which the rush of sexual pleasure, with all its accompanying chemical forces has become to you what a drug has become to an addict. And like a drug, it begins to interfere with all parts of life. Breaking the cycle of sexual addiction is not just a matter of will in this case; it’s a matter of strategy, consistency, and patience.”[9]

If you are engulfed in habits and addictions, they can be overcome by the incredible power of the human will, with the support of friends and loved ones, and through the omnipotent power of God. Whether such mastery happens overnight or takes a significant amount of time, it can happen. You may need to enlist the help of a twelve-step program, a support group, and a therapist to overcome addictions.

Avoid addictive behaviors because they compromise your will and work counter to your goals. Behaviors that are reinforced continue and even become stronger. Those that are controlled become manageable. If you control your thoughts, you can overcome habits and achieve your goals.

It is interesting to note the similarity between same-sex addictions and other compulsive behaviors. The things that trigger people to act homosexually are often the same things that those immersed in other addictions cite as instigating factors for their addictive behaviors. The instigating factors (stress, insecurity, depression, etc.) are the same; they simply have different methods of expression.

Addictions have physical, emotional, and spiritual components. Physically, you may be hooked on the excitement, the “rush,” the adrenaline “buzz” of the sexual experience. You may be emotionally hooked through envy or shame. And spiritually, you may feel rejected by God and tempted to act in rebellion.

Passions

Passions can be powerful. Jack Hickey wrote, “Throughout history men have killed and have been killed for no other reason but to satisfy their passions. To feed their sexual drive some have lied, cheated, stolen, and murdered; have given up family, friends, and jobs…. A man who covets his friend’s wife will risk destruction of both families in order to satisfy his passion.” He explained, “Most of the time, they never even stop to think of the consequences. If they do stop to think, the drive is often so strong that it doesn’t matter.”[10]

As bad as you may consider your passions to be, they have a useful purpose. Don’t ask to be rid of your passions, rather learn to control or handle your passions. Wise use of your passions can help you develop true love which comes through controlling and directing your passions, not by allowing them unrestrained expression. In the classic musical production Camelot, there is a line with good advice for us all. When the love triangle between King Arthur, Guenevere, and Lancelot began to deepen, King Arthur said, “We must not let our passions destroy our dreams.”

Personal Boundaries

Personal growth and progression require setting and maintaining boundaries. In fact, a critical spiritual lesson to learn is to become masters of ourselves. In contrast, some people say that to deny yourself worldly pleasures is to deny your true self. They emphasize feeling good rather than being good. They describe any form of self-restraint as self-loathing or homophobia. However, a peaceful society requires restraint, boundaries, moderation, and temperance. Why should that be the case everywhere but with homosexual behavior?

Setting Safe Boundaries

You will likely need to set boundaries to get your behavior under control. By setting personal boundaries, you use your agency to temporarily limit certain individual freedoms to help achieve more important eternal freedoms. If you know you are susceptible to certain addictive behaviors, you can decide for a time to limit your access to places or conditions that might make it easy for you to go astray. Since addictions can limit or compromise more important freedoms, it is important to forgo less important, temporary freedoms for more important eternal ones. Choose boundaries that keep you well inside a zone of safety. Old habit patterns must be starved before they shrivel and die.

Personal space boundaries

Human beings need affection. Hugging and physical touch are important. However, it is also important to recognize that each person comes from a different background and has his own limits of personal space. What may be an appropriate hug for one person may be too intimate for another. When a person is starved for affection and conditioned to respond sexually, an otherwise appropriate hug may arouse or make him think inappropriate thoughts. Therefore, it is important to be aware of what is comfortable and appropriate both for you and for the other person. Once you define your personal boundaries, let others know what they are. And before you hug someone else, be sure you know it is within his personal boundaries.

Sexual boundaries

As steward of your own sexuality, you are responsible to set boundaries so that others do not use you in inappropriate ways and that you do not use others inappropriately. In addition to obvious sexual actions, there are other areas to be avoided. Flirting, innuendo, and suggestive conversation show disrespect for the other person and are a form of manipulation and predatory behavior. Fantasizing sexually about someone else is using them without their permission. Such actions affect your self-concept and your relationship with the other person. This is a particularly difficult area for people who have been abused sexually, because they often have difficulty differentiating between sexuality and true loving feelings, or they may not feel they are allowed to have or “deserve” to have boundaries.

Emotional boundaries

You often cannot control how you feel. Although you can choose how to respond to your emotions, you may feel happy or angry or physically attracted through no choice of your own. Emotions are not necessarily right or wrong; it is not always good to be happy, and not always bad to feel sad. However, understanding these emotions can give you clues to understanding yourself. Others can violate your emotional boundaries by doing things such as the following: telling you how you should feel, telling you they know how you feel, taking it on themselves to fix things for you, dumping their emotions on you, or using you to make them feel better without regard for what it does to you. Of course, you can violate the boundaries of others by doing the same things to them.

Intellectual boundaries

Our thought processes reflect our feelings, opinions, and perspectives, and not necessarily facts. You have a right to sort out what you think. And you need to give others the right to think and decide for themselves as well. If you disagree with someone, it is not your job to fix their way of thinking.

Spiritual boundaries

Your beliefs belong to you, and the beliefs of others belong to them. A violation of spiritual boundaries occurs when you tell someone, “You can’t believe that.” You cannot force a person to believe something any more than you can force them to think or feel the way you want them to. Likewise, you cannot live on the spiritual beliefs of others; sooner or later you need to determine what you believe in yourself.

Memories

Your memories can be marvelous gifts, but, at times, they can also seem like a curse. If you previously indulged in illicit sexual behavior, it may be hard to forget graphic details. Your mind may continually bring these memories to the surface to entice you back into old thoughts and behaviors. Your memory may magnify the good times in the past, reminding you how exciting and pleasurable it was, but will leave out the heartache, loneliness, and frustration you may have felt. Joe Dallas explained, “Your memories look good only because you’re not seeing them panoramically. Take them to their logical conclusion, considering not only what you did and enjoyed, but where it was leading you, and you get a more accurate picture of your past. That’s how you shake off the power of ‘good’ memories—you view them with an eternal perspective.”[11] When you are reminded of the past, try to gain an accurate and complete picture of it.

Our minds and emotions remember experiences and continue to be drawn toward them long after we have satisfied the needs that originally drove us to them. Memories take a while to forget, and we may be vulnerable to those possibilities until we forget the memories of them. But over time, the memories will fade if we don’t dwell on them or reinforce them. And the best way to hasten that process is to make new, better memories to replace the old.

Justifying Homosexual Behavior

Emotional difficulties do not grant special rights to engage in illicit sexual actions. God’s commandments apply universally to everyone, and we are on dangerous ground when we seek to justify our behavior, assuming we know more about what is best for us than God does. Some are tempted to believe that they have a unique situation and therefore God’s commandments don’t apply to them. Some men believe that since they are not attracted to women—and feel they cannot marry and enjoy heterosexual relations with a woman—they should be allowed sexual expression with men. But God has revealed a law of moral conduct, which is abstinence outside of lawful marriage between a man and a woman, and fidelity within marriage. Nevertheless, some still argue that it is not fair that they are prohibited from acting on their same-sex feelings. They don’t understand that one purpose of this life is to learn self-control and obedience to God’s commandments. Life appears not to be fair to unmarried teenagers who are restricted from acting on their sexual impulses, nor to a physically disabled person who is not able to function sexually, nor to divorced or widowed people who no longer have a lawful outlet for their sexual desires.

Some people try to justify homosexual behavior by saying that our enlightened modern society now sees it as an acceptable expression between two individuals of the same sex who love each other. However, this is not God’s moral law.

Another subtle form of justification is to accept a lower standard for ourselves than we are capable of living, thus living below our privileges. Alan Medinger counsels us to be on guard against “the attitude that says, ‘God, I am doing the best I can do; this is just the way I am.’ Rather than working towards the gospel standard, we adopt a tolerant, indulgent attitude that declares, ‘If I only go off on a sexual binge once a year, I’m better off than I used to be. Besides, God understands my weakness.’ I have known people who for years have justified their ongoing sin as being reasonable, given their emotional and psychological makeup.”[12] It is sad when people accept for themselves a standard that is less than they could achieve.

Temptation

Temptation is not sin. One of Satan’s traps is to convince you that you are sinning when you are merely experiencing temptation. Don’t feel guilty or ask forgiveness for temptations or attractions over which you have no control. The temptations themselves are not sinful (see Hebrews 4:15), but your reactions to them may be. When a temptation comes, you can either dismiss it or nurture it. If you dismiss it, it is no sin; but if you nurture it, it will grow into lust and then behavior.

Temptation is not identity. Just because you are tempted by same-sex feelings, it does not mean you are an evil person. Satan may continue to tempt you with things from your past, although you may have left them behind.

Temptation is not a sign of low spirituality. Don’t feel that you are failing spiritually because you experience temptation. Sometimes Satan tempts us more when we are growing spiritually. The scriptures are full of accounts of strong people who were continually tempted. Remember, Satan even tempted Jesus!

Temptation is not unique to you. Everyone faces temptation. Satan may use different approaches with different people, but the basic temptations, such as envy, lust, and selfishness, are common to everyone.

Weakness is not sin. Sin comes from willfully disobeying God and requires repentance so we can be forgiven and become clean. Weakness, however, is part of being mortal. It includes our limitations, emotions, illnesses, imperfections, predispositions, and lack of knowledge. Weakness is not a sin, and it does not make us unworthy of the Spirit. God gives us weakness to help us be humble and to encourage us to rely on Him. Through humility and faith in Jesus Christ, God offers grace, which strengthens us and can turn weak things into strong things. Even Jesus experienced mortal weakness, though He was without sin, so He could understand and help us.[13]

Suggested Actions for Interrupting Behavior Patterns

Identify the Cycle and Stop It Early

Sometimes a specific behavior can be linked in our memory with a very intense positive feeling. Because the two happened at the same time, the brain connects the behavior with the feeling, and this emotional memory can later drive compulsive behavior

One method for changing behavior patterns is to identify these emotional memories that quietly push us toward unwanted behaviors. This method is called the Feeling State Flash Technique[14], and it helps reduce the emotional pull of these memories, so the behavior no longer feels automatic or urgent. Here are the basic steps

Notice the problem feeling. Think of a behavior you want to change and the strong positive feelings that come with it.
Pick a memory. Recall one moment when that feeling was especially strong. You do not need to focus on the details.
Choose a pleasant focus. Pick something calming or enjoyable to hold in mind. This helps you stay comfortable.
Do the Flash process. While keeping your pleasant focus in mind, your therapist guides you through quick, simple actions that help your brain soften the emotional charge in the background.
Notice the change. After a few rounds, the memory usually feels less intense. As the emotional charge fades, the behavior loses its pull.

A Mindful Approach to Sexuality

Mindfulness is a technique that helps us see that thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations are important, yet they do not define the deepest part of who we are. Rather than reacting automatically or labelling ourselves quickly, mindfulness opens an inner place where we can reflect, feel, choose, and grow. This approach helps reduce shame, fear, and confusion and supports clearer thinking, stronger agency, and a more peaceful relationship with sexuality. Consider the following ten principles for exploring sexuality and identity.[15]

Recognize something deeper than thoughts, feelings, and the body. Mindfulness draws attention to the awareness beneath our experiences. We are spiritual beings in a physical body. You can observe experiences without treating them as the definition of who you are.
See thoughts, including sexual thoughts, as thoughts. Thoughts arise and fade. They can repeat, shift, and soften over time. When you observe them without obsessing over them, they lose their power to define your identity. You can let them pass without letting them shape who you think you are.
See feelings, including sexual feelings, as feelings. Feelings are vivid and compelling, yet they rise and fall like waves. When we treat them as passing experiences instead of identity statements, we reduce unnecessary shame and increase emotional freedom.
See physical sensations, including sexual ones, as sensations. The body carries real sensations, but we do not have to interpret them as identity. Sensations are events in the body. We can acknowledge them without assuming they determine who we are or what choices we must make.
Get out of your head and into your body. Modern life keeps many of us caught in constant thinking. Mindfulness encourages returning to the body with awareness and calm. Practices like a body scan help us reconnect with physical presence and reduce rumination.
Experience the body as distinct from self. The body is a sacred stewardship, yet it is not the full measure of our eternal identity. When we avoid over identifying with the body, we prevent pride or shame from dominating our lives and keep our focus on our spiritual center.
Experience emotion as distinct from self. Emotions can feel permanent, but they are not. Mindfulness helps us observe emotions without assuming they define us. This separation expands our freedom to choose how we respond.
Create space for agency in responding to experience. Mindfulness increases the space between stimulus and response. In that space we reclaim our agency. We can choose our actions based on commitment and faith rather than automatic impulses. In relationships, this allows love to be a chosen devotion rather than a passing feeling.
Embrace discomfort rather than fearing it. Difficult emotions or experiences are not always signs that something is wrong. Sometimes discomfort signals growth. Mindfulness helps us tolerate and work through discomfort without panic.
Allow growth to unfold over time. Identity and desire can shift gradually throughout life. Mindfulness helps us welcome change with curiosity. It allows us to influence our growth gently and intentionally in ways that align with our highest hopes and sacred commitments.

Watch for Triggers

Learn what sets you up for behaviors you want to avoid. Triggers may include situations or events such as a song that brings back specific memories, certain types of music, TV programs, movies, the use of alcohol or drugs, provocative clothing, cruising areas, or specific locations that bring back memories of homosexual events. Once you understand what influences you, then you can avoid those situations or change your perceptions.

Marcos explained, “Spiritual highs or other positive events always used to trigger me. Since inwardly I didn’t feel I deserved the good experiences, I subconsciously engaged in self-defeating behaviors to counteract the spiritual high or good feelings. I also think it was Satan’s direct attempt to dilute the positive effect of the experiences and drive the Spirit away.”

You may also be vulnerable when you feel bored, stressed, angry, lonely, tired, hungry, depressed, discouraged, in pain, inadequate, or guilty. When these conditions arise and you feel like acting out, look at the situation and try to find a legitimate fix. If you are hungry and tired, rather than searching for sexual gratification, get something to eat and go to bed. When you feel sexual desires, try to discover what your real needs are. It may be that you feel lonely or isolated and the real need is for friendship. Set up a network of friends that you can call when you need help.

Control Your Thoughts

Since your thoughts determine your actions, it is important to keep clean thoughts. Carefully select your reading material, the movies you see, and the other forms of entertainment so you can have good thoughts rather than unwholesome desires. With discipline and effort, we have the capacity to control our thoughts and actions. This is part of the process of developing spiritual, physical, and emotional maturity. Thoughts generate actions which lead to habits which develop character which influence our destiny.

Be Accountable

An important element in changing your behavior is to be accountable to someone. You should make an accounting to God in daily prayer, confessing your weaknesses and asking for His strength to make it through the day. You should also be accountable to your church leader regularly. You can be accountable to your therapist for how well you are following your plan of action. In addition, you may need another person in whom you can confide. This may be someone from your support group who also experiences same-sex attraction, or it could be a close friend who cares about you. In the Book of James we read, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much” (James 5:16).

Alex explained, “When I got tempted to seek sexual encounters, I could instead call a friend who knew of my difficulties and I would ask if we could get together and play racquetball, or go to a movie, or simply sit down and talk for a while. Often such activity only served to get me through a single night when I was having problems. But it got me through one night. Remember that when we are talking about addictive behaviors, the old twelve–step motto of ‘one day at a time’ is all we can ask for and probably all we should attempt. Over time, I found that my crises tended to diminish in intensity and frequency, but there were many nights I had to call one of my emergency resources.”

Experience Healthy Excitement

Why do we sexualize the solution to our needs? Alan Medinger wrote, “I believe we do this because sex is one of the most intense experiences most people have, and whatever sex touches becomes more alive. Just as salt enhances the flavor of food, sex intensifies the power of any experience.”[16] Sex brings excitement when you are lonely or bored.

Antonio explained, “One of the reasons I was enticed by homosexual activities was that I wanted more excitement in my life. The gay life held a certain mystique for me and homosexual encounters appeared exciting.”

Replace Negatives with Positives

As you break from negative influences, be sure to replace them with new, positive activities and relationships. Rather than trying to discard a bad habit or a bad thought, you need to replace it with something good. When you remove the seemingly exciting homosexual behavior, your life may seem dull unless you fill the void with new, uplifting, and rewarding things. When you take cruising from your life, you will find many hours you can now devote to your family, your church, or service to others. You may want to start a new hobby or spend time developing new relationships with people. Make time for activities you enjoy. Studies have shown that when people work on projects or activities they enjoy, their blood chemistry is altered almost immediately in a positive way.

If you focus on the negative—the things you can’t do—the past you are trying to leave behind may seem more attractive. Instead, focus on the positive—the great things you are working toward. The old behaviors brought only temporary pleasure, while the new ones can bring lasting joy. Changing behaviors does not have to be viewed as restrictive. Instead, look at it as opening a whole new world of opportunity. The old behavioral patterns were restrictive; they locked you into addictive patterns of responding and they held you back from the things you really wanted. Changing your behavior to be in line with your values will let you move to higher levels of fulfillment and joy. Don’t concentrate on the things you are removing from your life but focus on things you will add to your life.

The Apostle Paul admonished us to “put off…the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; and…put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness” (Ephesians 4:22, 24). New spiritual things need to replace old carnal habits and thoughts. We must diligently seek a new life to replace the old.

Appropriately Respond to Setbacks

As you begin to face issues head on, you may temporarily experience increased stress as old wounds are opened and dealt with. As a result, you may experience a greater pull toward old behaviors to cope with these increased feelings. Therefore, be on guard with increased resistance to avoid setbacks. Recommit yourself to your new goals, knowing that as you work to resolve your issues, the temptations may be strong, but your determination can be even stronger.

If you do backslide, don’t think that everything is lost. Don’t minimize the consequences of what happened, but realize it is only a temporary setback and don’t let it defeat you. A slip or even a fall does not return you to point zero. Get back on your feet with new resolve and remember that all forward movements are cumulative and make a difference. The very fact that you feel bad about it shows you are progressing. Don’t cover up the pain because pain is a warning. Feel it completely, repent, pick up the pieces, and move ahead. Learn from your mistake, so if you see the pattern developing again, you will have the experience and tools to stop it before it develops into homosexual actions. Focus on the progress you have made. Read your journal to remind yourself how far you have come. If you don’t reach your goal the first time, don’t consider yourself a failure. Failure is when you don’t try at all.

Consider how you would respond if you were to eat something you shouldn’t when on a diet. You could either tell yourself you slipped and immediately resume your diet, or you could feel guilty and go on a self-defeating food binge. If you continue binging, you regain all the weight you lost and then blame the diet for not working. In fact, the diet was working well; it was the way you responded to your setback that caused your defeat.

Your personal plan of action contains specific things you need to do. If you don’t keep on guard and follow your plan, there is a chance you could slip or fall. Just like a car, you need to keep yourself well maintained to function properly. If you let spiritual, emotional, physical, or intellectual things slide, you put yourself in jeopardy. Maintenance will be important throughout the rest of your life. Just like the recovered alcoholic, you may need continued vigilance. The changes you make in your life can be as permanent as you make them.

If you continue to feel tempted, does it mean you are not making progress? No. Continued temptation may actually be proof that you are still in the battle. It is only when you accept sin as good that it ceases to be a problem and begins to feel natural. If sin becomes the acceptable solution to the pain, then you have learned to choose it over God. But the fact that you continue to try means that you have not accepted the easy way out and you know there is something better. The scriptures do not promise that we will reach a place in this life where we are never tempted again. We need to continually watch and pray so we do not fall into temptation. But we can be reassured we are no longer the people we used to be as we continue to improve and come closer to God.

Fantasy

Mark Laaser writes that the three building blocks of sexual addiction are fantasy, pornography, and masturbation.[17] James Allen wrote that a man’s mind is like a garden that may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild, but whether cultivated or neglected, it will produce either useful plants or useless weeds. Whatever we allow to enter our minds will always bear fruit. Fantasy is damaging because it keeps us separated from reality. When you fantasize, you build a self-focused, self-pleasing world of fragments of people and situations which you rearrange to meet your needs. Fantasies are not about real or whole people and complete situations, but about imaginary, faceless people and unrealistic situations.

Jesus explained that sexual fantasy is also a violation of the seventh commandment when he said, “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart” (Matthew 5:27–28). The gospel standard of chastity calls for cleanliness of both thought and action. The way to keep your actions appropriate is to keep your thoughts clean.

Pornography

Sexual desire is a gift from God and an important part of spiritual life. When used appropriately, it is nothing to be ashamed of or to feel guilty about.[18] However, the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry distorts God’s gift of sexuality through increasingly shocking perversions.

What is Pornography?

Besides the obvious videos, websites, and magazines, pornography includes anything that arouses you, even if it is not graphically explicit. If images of muscled men excite you, you may need to avoid them for now.

Pornography is Harmful

Some people rationalize that viewing pornography doesn’t affect anyone but them. They say it is better to relieve their sexual frustrations looking at pornography and masturbating than finding a sex partner. They feel that being the lesser of two evils, it is not so bad after all. However, many people can attest to the fact that pornography is addictive and destructive to healthy relationships.

Pornography Drives Away the Spirit

We should avoid pornography because it drives away God’s Spirit and religious people desperately want His Spirit to guide them. The Spirit cannot dwell in unholy places.

Pornography Feeds Fantasies

The images portrayed in pornography constitute a fantasy unfounded in reality. It is a vision of exaggerated masculinity, exaggerated femininity, and sex without consequences. The object of the fantasy can be controlled and used as the person wants. It allows an individual the illusion of a sexual encounter without having to confront another human being.

Pornography feeds sexual fantasies. These reinforced feelings can work against other efforts you make to resolve issues in your life. The fantasies in your mind are a product of all the garbage you allow to enter your mind and once you allow these images in, they can be recalled years later. Research has shown that sensory stimulation such as arousal through pornography releases the hormone epinephrine, which locks the experience of stimulation in the brain, unlike the mental storage of less charged stimuli.[19] If viewing pornography is accompanied by masturbation, the combined effect heightens the mental images. Such images are very difficult to erase from the memory banks of the brain.

Although you are not responsible for the desires that made you want to fantasize, you are responsible for allowing thoughts, stories, and images into your mind to fuel the fantasies. They make homosexual behavior appear enticing and can lead you into the addictive cycle of visualizing, then rationalizing, then acting.

Pornography Influences Behavior

The primary male response to viewing pornography is to masturbate. “Pornography is addictive. What may begin as a curious exploration can become a controlling habit. Studies show that those who allow themselves to become drawn to pornography soon begin to crave even coarser content. Continued exposure desensitizes the spirit and can erode the conscience of unwary people. A victim becomes a slave to carnal thoughts and actions. As the thought is father to the deed, exposure can lead to acting out what is nurtured in the mind.”[20]

Pornography Feeds Feelings of Inferiority

When people view pornography, they unconsciously compare their bodies with extraordinary models. This can reinforce feelings of physical and sexual inferiority, because no normal person can measure up to the hyper-masculine images of men or the hyper-feminine images of women found in pornography. As people indulge in pornography, their feelings of inadequacy and envy merge with lust and eroticism and magnify feelings of sexual attraction. Pornography distorts how we view ourselves and others, potentially decreasing our capacity to relate realistically to other men and women.

Eliminate Pornography

Marco explained, “Most days I think I’ve got porn licked for good—then I inevitably get stressed out and have a binge fest. I stupidly use it as a crutch when things get overwhelming. The only motivator that has effectively helped me has been to learn to love myself enough to believe I am worth the effort to rise above the trash. Ironically, my wife taught me this lesson. One day she confronted me directly and asked me if I had a problem with pornography. I confessed that I had slowly but surely spiraled out of control into a pornography and masturbation addiction. Then, with great power, she said the magic words: ‘Dear, you are worth far more than the person you become as a pornography addict.’ I finally believed her. I am worth more than the trash. Improving my self-esteem and learning to love and respect myself over the past year has made all the difference.”

Here are a few ideas on eliminating pornography from your life:

Understand your use of pornography (when, what kind, how often, how long, and what effect has on your life).
Explore the feelings behind your use of pornography, such as when you are bored, lonely, angry, stressed, or tired.
Determine what has helped so far in overcoming it.
Consider a trusted person to be a mentor who can help you plan ways to limit your access to pornography and to whom you can be accountable.
Practice replacing unclean and negative thoughts with virtuous and positive thoughts.
Consider professional counseling. Some people cannot overcome pornography without professional help.
Participate in a local addiction recovery program.
Consider a system such as Covenant Eyes.

For more help overcoming pornography, see Resources in Overcoming Pornography, and articles about overcoming pornography.

Masturbation

Almost all males who experience same-sex attraction have a particular problem with masturbation. From a religious perspective, it is a form of sexual immorality that diverts men and women from the proper use of procreative powers. It does not edify and inspire but it is an unhealthy habit that holds you back from learning to deal honestly with yourself and those around you. It is also unhealthy when it becomes the primary means of sexual gratification and is accompanied by erotic fantasies. The practice can become habitual and progressive, leading to other immoral behaviors, and is usually associated with pornography and sexual fantasies.

The following are some ideas to conquer masturbation:

Separate habits from identity. Your online behaviors do not define you. If you use pornography, don’t believe that you are broken, unworthy, or bad.

See the behavior as something you can change, rather than something you are.
Approach healing with less shame and more resilience.
Build a healthier understanding of sexuality.

Identify small, achievable goals. Don’t expect to overcome habits all at once. Small, realistic goals work because they:

Build confidence step by step.
Reduce the shame associated with setbacks.
Make your progress visible and concrete.
Help you develop long term habits rather than short bursts of willpower.

Examples of small goals include:

Reducing screen time during vulnerable hours.
Setting up simple device protections.
Practicing one healthy coping skill per day.
Check-ins with a mentor once a week.
Replacing one unhealthy habit with a healthier activity.

Over time, many small steps add up to major transformation.

Identify the triggers and stop the cycle early. It may help to identify the events that lead you to masturbate so you can stop the cycle at the first warning signs. It is much easier to stop at the beginning of the cycle than when you are halfway into the cycle. If you find that masturbation is always preceded by looking at pornography, then find ways to stop the cycle before looking at pornography. If it occurs at a certain time or place, then take action to change your routine so you can enjoy more healthy habits.

Identify the real needs behind the desire to masturbate. What are your real feelings and needs for which masturbation has become a substitute? Is it a need for friendship? Do you want to feel appreciated by someone? Are you lonely and just need someone to talk with? Is it your way of dealing with stress, depression, boredom, or anger? If you masturbate, will these real needs be satisfied or only intensified? Understanding these feelings and needs, you can plan in advance to deal with them in a healthier way.

Keep a log of temptations and how you dealt with them. Record the following in a confidential place for at least a month:

The triggers that started you into the cycle that ended in masturbation. (Was it loneliness, hunger, fatigue, stress, fantasy, pornography?)
What you could have done to stop the cycle. (What specific actions and at what points?)
The actions you plan to take next time you are in this cycle to stop it. (Be specific.)
What you can do to be spiritually, mentally, or emotionally stronger so this won’t happen again.

Review this log periodically to see if you can identify patterns, then talk with your church leader and therapist to get their perspectives and suggestions. If your masturbation is excessive or habitual, it may require intense effort on your part and therapeutic help to overcome it.

Be accountable to God in prayer. Acknowledge your weakness to God in prayer and ask for His strength. Admitting a problem is the first step in solving it.

Be accountable to a church leader. As embarrassing and personal as it may seem, you should talk with a church leader about this problem. You will not be the first person who has talked with the leader about masturbation. Accountability to a church leader is not only an important step in the repentance process, but his love and support on such a personal matter can be healing. He can provide ideas and a perspective that can be helpful as you overcome your habits.

Be accountable to a trusted friend. You may wish to define an accountability agreement with a close friend or member of your support group. Agree to talk with him about your temptations (avoiding specific details) and how you plan to stop the cycle next time. His perspective and support can be encouraging.

Sexual Behavior

For many men who experience same-sex attraction, many of their sexual encounters are with strangers or casual acquaintances. Because of their urgent desire for sexual contact, they find themselves connecting with another man for an evening or even a few minutes of pleasure. Anonymous sex can happen quickly—it may take only minutes from first meeting to engaging in intimate sex. But it is sex without feelings. Some sexual encounters involve the use of drugs to prolong or heighten the sexual experience. This is especially dangerous because the drug use can impair judgment, leading to risky sexual behaviors, sexually transmitted infections, date rape, and robbery or assault.

This paradox of having intimate actions with someone you don’t even know is a false substitute for true, fulfilling relationships. This counterfeit intimacy is one-dimensional, substituting physical and romantic intimacy for the true intimacy you could have in a relationship with a spouse that includes deep emotional ties, acceptance, commitment, and love. In fact, the substitute intimacy decreases the possibility of true intimacy because it introduces guilt, plays on your feelings of inferiority, and creates anxiety.

Although casual sex can bring physical pleasure and temporary satisfaction, afterwards, you are left with even deeper feelings of loneliness, rejection, and frustration. Rather than satisfying your need for the love of a friend, casual sex only intensifies the needs. It leads to an addictive spiral that feeds itself. The sexual experience generates more feelings that evoke even more acting out. After each sexual encounter, you feel used and of less value.

You can keep your behavior in line with your standards. The Apostle Paul promised, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it” (1 Corinthians 10:13). There is no challenge beyond your ability to handle. As you turn to God, He will provide a way to get through the trial. Every time you do the things that are right, the light inside you increases and the darkness decreases. This light enables you to call upon the powers of heaven when you need help.

[1] Gray, John. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex, HarperCollins, 1992.

[2] Johnson, Robert A. He: Understanding Masculine Psychology, Harper & Rox, New York, 1989.

[3] “When Christians Struggle with Sexual Sin,” Harvest News, Philadelphia, PA, Fall/Winter 1995, p. 2.

[4] Bradford, William R. “Unclutter Your Life,” Ensign, May 1992, p. 28.

[5] Covey, Stephen R. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Calendar, 1996, 15 Jan. 1996.

[6] Nelson, Russell M. “Addiction or Freedom”, Ensign, Nov. 1988, p. 6.

[7] Nelson, Russell M. “Addiction or Freedom”, Ensign, Nov. 1988, p. 7.

[8] Dallas, Joe. Desires in Conflict: Hope for Men Who Struggle with Sexual Identity , Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, pp. 127-8.

[9] Dallas, p. 63

[10] Hickey, Jack. “Passion: How Much Will We Pay?,” Victory Notes, 1986.

[11] Dallas, Joe. Desires in Conflict: Hope for Men Who Struggle with Sexual Identity , Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR, 1991, pp. 137.

[12] Medinger, Alan. “Justifying Our Sin: A Subtle Trap,” Regeneration News, Baltimore, MD, Oct. 1996, pp. 1-2.

[13] Ulrich, Wendy. “It Isn’t a Sin to Be Weak,” Liahona, April 2015.

[14] The Feeling State Flash Technique is a therapeutic method that combines Feeling State Theory by Robert Miller and the Flash Technique developed by Philip Manfield and Lewis Engel. See ReintegrativeTherapy.com/feelingstateflashtechnique.

[15] See “A Mindful Approach to Sexuality, Part I,” by Jacob Hess, Blake Fisher, Blaine Hickman, and Ty Mansfield

[16] Medinger, Alan. “De-Sexualizing the Deeper Need,” Regeneration News, Baltimore, MD, Sep. 1994, p. 2.

[17] See The Secret Sin: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, ND, 1992, p. 29.

[18] See God Loves Sex: An Honest Conversation about Sexual Desire and Holiness by Dan B. Allender

[19] See McGaugh, James L. “Preserving the Past—Hormonal Influences on Memory Storage,” American Psychologist, Feb. 1983, pp. 161-74.

[20] Haight, David B. “Personal Morality,” Ensign, Nov. 1984, p. 70.