Therapy for People Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction

Professional therapy can help you strengthen self-understanding, explore sources of distress, reduce dissonance between values and desires, heal emotional wounds, build secure identity and relationships, control compulsive behaviors, and live congruently with your faith and values. This section provides suggestions on choosing the right therapist and explains the therapeutic process.

People who experience same-sex attraction often seek therapeutic treatment to understand and address certain emotional and psychological issues. (See the section “Issues Common Among Men Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction.”)

Helpful therapy focuses on exploring the sources of distress, the person’s beliefs and values about sexuality and gender, and the nuances of their experience with sexuality and gender.

The goal of therapy is to help you better understand and resolve dissonance between your values and same-sex desires, develop a secure sense of self and male identity, and help you make healthy life choices that are consistent with your personal values and religious beliefs. It is a process of self-understanding, self-acceptance, and growth.

Personal Choice

People who experience same-sex attraction have the right to direct the course of their lives congruent with their values and religious beliefs. You can choose whether to self-identify as gay. You can choose whether to engage in same-sex sexual behavior.

Client Self-Determination

If you are conflicted over your same-sex attractions, you have the right to decide whether to seek professional counseling or therapy, what kind of counseling to seek, and to determine the desired direction of your therapy program. See the heading “Professional Ethics” below.

Choosing The Right Therapist

Choosing the right therapist is critical because the wrong therapist could do more harm than good. Look for a therapist who can understand and support you in your personal values, beliefs, and goals. If you are a religious person, your ideal counselor would be one who supports your religious values and understands your spiritual motivations.

A therapist should not impose his personal values on you. A therapist should help you understand your issues and assist you in making choices congruent with your personal values and religious beliefs.

Consider what type of therapist you need. Psychiatrists are medical doctors specializing in treating individuals with emotional problems and thus can prescribe medication if necessary. They usually charge higher fees than other practitioners. Clinical psychologists usually have an academic doctoral degree (Ph.D.) and are trained in testing and individual therapy. Social workers may have doctorates or Master of Social Work degrees, and may counsel individuals, work with small groups or troubled families, and handle much the same range of emotional problems as the other practitioners.

It is advisable that men who experience same-sex attraction choose a male therapist because they can be in a better position than a woman to help a man work through some of the issues common among men who experience same-sex attraction. A therapist of the same gender is in a better position to help you understand your gender and guide you into relationships with others of your gender. If your therapy experience is successful, the close emotional relationship you develop with your therapist can be healing in itself and can encourage you to develop deeper relationships with others of your gender.

Some of the organizations listed on this site can provide recommendations of therapists who fit the descriptions above.

Since therapy is a major investment of time and money, be sure that your therapist will be able to provide you with the help you need. Discuss with your therapist how he or she will approach therapy with you. Talk about your values and what you expect from therapy. Don’t hesitate to talk about the finances involved and be sure they fit within your budget. Your medical insurance may cover some of the visits.

The Therapeutic Process

Part of the therapeutic process may be to explore the past. If we learn from the past, we can improve the present. Understanding the past is helpful to many people. However, there are four cautions:

1. Don’t blame the past for your situation and assume the role of a victim who has no control over the present. No matter how painful the past has been, you are responsible for what you do in the present. Your goal now is to learn what you can do to resolve your current issues.
2. Watch out for invented memories. There may be a tendency to invent past experiences to explain the present. If you read that certain childhood experiences can cause certain reactions, you may come to believe that those things happened to you in your childhood. You may reinterpret or skew the past or even invent in your mind events that never happened, all to make sense of the present.
3. Not finding all the answers in the past does not mean you can’t resolve the present. Jason described his experience as follows: “At one point during my therapy I was trying to understand why I developed certain feelings during grade school. My therapist gave me an assignment to go back to my elementary school and spend an hour walking around the playground and try to recreate the feelings I had during a certain event. I did as he suggested but never found any clues. To this day, I don’t understand why I reacted to the event the way I did. Although I didn’t find any clues to the present, I don’t let that bother me. The past doesn’t have to be completely explained.”
4. Don’t concentrate on the past to the exclusion of the present. Although the past may hold keys to helping you understand the present, concentrate most of your time on your current feelings, actions, plans, failures, and successes. Understanding the past is only valuable if it helps you to deal with the present. The extent to which the past is important depends on the level of trauma in the past. Unless you have experienced abuse, you may not need to spend much time dealing with the past. If you have been abused, you may need to grieve and resolve past trauma.

Questions to ask yourself after your first session:

• Does the therapist seem to understand and care how I feel?
• Does he see clearly what is going on?
• Do his ideas make common sense, or do they seem strange or extreme?

If the answers to these questions are not satisfactory, you may want to find another therapist. Stand your ground if the counselor’s requests violate your personal values or standards. The best counselors will respect your position even if they don’t share it.

If Therapy is Not Available to You

If you cannot afford therapy or if there is not a good therapist available, you can still benefit by reading carefully selected books (“bibliotherapy”), by journaling, and by trying to analyze your life. Set up a plan of action and follow through on that plan. (See the page “How Do You Want to Respond to Your Same-Sex Attractions?”) Look at your life as though you are watching a video and identify the things you want to change, then make specific assignments to yourself to develop relationships and do things to build your self-image. You can be accountable to God through prayer, to yourself by using your journal, and to a trusted friend.

Individual Therapy

A trained therapist can guide you through personal growth. He is your personal counselor to help you put all the pieces of the puzzle together. He can help you see how to integrate efforts such as support groups, personal relationships, spiritual growth, and efforts to control sexual behavior. He can help you see in an objective way how to keep your life in balance. He can be your mentor and your confidant.

Individual therapy may be an essential part of the process of understanding your same-sex attractions and related issues. Although it will not take care of all your needs, it can give direction to all your activities. For example, if you also participate in group therapy, a support group, or a community men’s group, your therapist can help you see how all these pieces fit together and help you keep them in balance.

As you talk with your therapist, you will discover things about yourself. Often, because of shame or guilt you may have buried some things so deep within that you don’t even realize them yourself. The therapist is trained to ask the right questions to help you see things in perspective and guide you through the process. Use him as a sounding board. Be honest with him about your problems, concerns, and fears. Don’t keep any secret from him. Therapy will be most effective when you have a completely open and honest relationship. The therapist is bound by ethical standards to keep everything you say confidential. He can’t even tell another person that you are seeing him. Together you can develop action plans, and you can report back to him on both your successes and failures. The journey won’t seem so lonely or difficult if you have a therapist by your side. Individual counseling can help you to do the following:

• Identify and resolve personal issues and underlying factors.
• Identify and clearly define your personal goals.
• Develop a personal action plan and then help you work on the plan.
• Identify and work around the roadblocks.
• Receive encouragement when you get discouraged.
• Increase your awareness of things you need to work on.
• Give insight into your feelings and actions.
• Give an outside perspective.
• Identify your personal strengths and weaknesses.
• Provide a forum to talk things out and get feedback.
• Provide someone to be accountable to for your behavior, growth, and personal plan of action.
• Learn to generalize lessons learned to other situations.
• Learn to internalize new information.
• Learn how to live congruently with your personal values and belief system.
• Learn to control compulsive behaviors and addictions.

Make your sessions count. If making changes in your life is important to you, do all you can to make your therapy sessions as effective as possible. Many people find it helpful to make written notes about their sessions and refer to them often. Some people find it helpful to write in a journal as much detail about each session as they can. That allows them to later review the things discussed and monitor progress. Specially make notes about things you want to think about further or pursue in a future session. Be sure to write down the assignments you receive from your therapist and be sure you follow through with them.

Group Therapy

Group therapy can also be helpful but is usually of secondary importance to individual therapy. Group therapy has some of the same advantages as a support group. The difference is that group therapy is run by a trained therapist who is there to facilitate the discussion in meaningful ways. Since support groups are not guided, it may be easy for members of the group to hide or even deny their feelings. But in a therapy group, the therapist can help members confront issues head-on and then be sure the issues are brought to healthy conclusions.

If you are involved in group therapy, it is important that you also receive individual therapy so that you can work out issues that come up in the group setting. Group therapy can help you to:

• Get the mutual support of others who share some of the same issues.
• Hold each other accountable.
• Learn to accept others and feel accepted by them.
• Learn to disclose.
• Discuss issues of importance and get feedback from others.
• Learn to generalize to other situations the lessons you learn.
• Learn to internalize new information.
• Learn relationship and communication skills.
• Learn to be assertive.
• Reinforce newly learned traits.
• Experience relationships and activities in a safe environment, as a bridge to the outside world.
• Learn compassion for others as you begin to see their challenges from their perspective.

Todd had been so guarded that the people in his life knew very little about him. When he began attending group therapy, he finally had the chance to share his struggles with others, and he slowly started to open up. He wrote the following: “Each time, it became a little easier. I noticed that rather than feeling dangerous, sharing feelings and growing close to people on an emotional level was kind of nice. For the first time in my life, I no longer felt like I was unacceptable because I started to find out that people could know everything about me and still want to be my friend. In fact, through the sharing of deep emotions, I gained some of my closest friends.”

Professional Ethics

Professional therapists are ethically bound to respect your choices. It is unethical for a therapist to try to impose his personal beliefs on you. A therapist acts ethically by presenting alternatives and letting you make decisions for yourself. A therapist should ensure that you make a free and voluntary choice by using an “informed consent to treatment.”

Enter therapy with specific goals that you want to work on, such as self-perception, emotions, shame, difficulty in relationships, anxiety, depression, compulsions, addictions, or trauma. (See the page “Issues Common Among Men Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction.”)

Homosexuality is no longer considered a clinical disorder. However, therapists may still work with individuals who seek help for the distress they feel about their same sex attractions.

Therapeutic Results for Distress About Same-Sex Attraction

In surveys of participants in value-congruent programs or therapy (often faith-aligned and focused on emotional health), individuals commonly reported benefits such as the following:

• Minimized distress about same-sex attractions.
• Diminished shame.
• Growth in self-esteem and self-acceptance.
• Reduction in suicidal thoughts.
• Functional resolution in controlling homosexual behaviors.
• Emotional healing.

You can gain greater emotional health as you address issues such as those listed in the section “Issues Common Among Men Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction.” The goal is to achieve improved emotional health and a lifestyle aligned with your faith and values.