Determining how to respond to same-sex attractions is a personal choice that each individual must make according to his or her personal values and life situation.
Many people who experience same-sex attraction seek to live their lives in harmony with traditional religious values. As you decide how to respond to same-sex attractions, make conscious choices according to your personal values and life situation.
Define Your Personal Values and Religious Beliefs
The first step in this process is to clarify your personal beliefs and core values. Spend a considerable amount of time thinking about your inner values and writing them down. Don’t just accept the beliefs of your family or your church. Identify what matters most to you personally. Pray sincerely to know God’s will for you. Once you discover for yourself what is eternally true and you internalize those values, you can make sound choices.
You may ask yourself questions such as the following:
- Do I believe in a loving God who wants the best for me? Do I identify myself as His son or daughter?
- Do I believe that homosexual behavior fits within God’s plan for me?
- Do I believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to God’s plan for our eternal destiny?
- Do I believe that the sacred powers of procreation should be used only between a man and a woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife?
- Do I believe that I can choose my response to life’s situations, including same-sex attraction?
- Do I believe that I can find happiness and meaning without participating in same-sex sexual relationships?
Obtaining self-clarity empowers you to do things because you want to do them. You no longer perform out of duty, respect, or fear. Discipline comes from within and you have the will and integrity to subordinate desires and impulses to the values you determine are important. It is a process of creating a deeper conscience and awareness of the values that govern your behavior. When you look to yourself and no one else, you become the master of yourself.
Determine How You Want to Act On Your Feelings
Considering your personal values and beliefs, determine how you want to act on your feelings. You shouldn’t ignore or suppress your same-sex feelings because they are real and powerful. Suppressing them won’t make them go away. Suppression means a continual struggle where, at best, you are celibate but miserable, and at worst, you lead a double life by outwardly being a religious person but secretly engaging in homosexual behavior.
Some people choose to identify as gay. They decide to “come out” and live openly as gay men or lesbian women. Such a gay identity often includes social, cultural, and political perspectives. Some people believe that they are born gay and that their only option for happiness is to accept a gay identity, acknowledge it openly, and participate in homosexual behavior. This view is not shared by all people who experience same-sex attraction nor by all psychological professionals.
Although accepting a gay identity is a fulfilling option for some individuals, others may choose not to identify themselves as gay because they feel that such an identity and lifestyle is not what God would have them do.
Others choose traditional marriage and family. They approach same-sex attraction as an opportunity for growth, and they seek to make behavioral decisions in keeping with God’s commandments. This decision may not bring you immediate relief because you will still face the conflicts of your same-sex attractions. Same-sex attraction seems to be an overwhelming problem to many people because they include in it a whole life of problems. But remember that everyone deals with issues of self-worth, relationships, intimacy, lust, comparing themselves with others, and a whole host of problems that are part of a lifelong process of growing, overcoming, and improving.
Don’t remain undecided. Some people straddle the fence in a state of indecision. They may resist accepting a gay identity because it conflicts with their personal values or because they want a traditional family. But at the same time, their same-sex urges are strong, and they feel a need to pursue sexual gratification. People in this condition are typically frustrated because they have not resolved their inner conflicts. This is a state of imbalance and desperation. It typically provides unfulfilling relationships both at home and on the outside. For their own sanity and emotional health, people need to make conscious choices and pursue a defined direction.
Address Underlying Issues
As you live according to your values and beliefs, it will be important to address the underlying issues that may be intensifying your same-sex attractions. The goal is to resolve any issues that dominate your life or behavior or keep you from achieving your life’s goals.
The page “Issues Common Among Men Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction” describes emotional and psychological issues that may be relevant to you. Improvement in these issues can help you be more emotionally healthy. The remaining chapters in this book provide practical tools for working on these issues.
Once you identify the issues and deficits in your life situation, you can learn ways to fulfil those needs in appropriate, nonsexual ways. As you resolve underlying issues, you will see your feelings and attractions in their proper context.
Plan of Action
Develop a personal action plan considering the specific things you want to address. Since some of the issues may be complex and difficult to address, your success depends on creating and following a personal plan of action.
Make a Self-Inventory
The first step in a plan of action is to determine where you are. Spend several hours defining your current feelings and actions in some detail. Not only can it help you recognize where you are currently, it can also be a helpful comparison later to measure the progress you make. Your therapist and church leader can help give some additional perspective as you ask questions such as the following:
- What are my current habits, compulsions, and addictions? (Specifically identify the behaviors, their frequency, and intensity. Be sure to include fantasies, pornography, masturbation, and other sexual behavior.)
- What problems do I have with envy, lust, and pride?
- How well do I understand myself? What do I understand my divine nature to be? How do I describe my current feelings of self-worth?
- Am I honest with myself and with others? Do I see things as they really are or do I pretend some problems don’t exist? (List them.) Do I make excuses or lie to cover my actions? (What actions and in what situations?) Do I make excuses or lie to hide my feelings? (What feelings and in what situations?) Do I make excuses or lie to avoid confrontations or situations that make me feel uncomfortable? (What situations?)
- How do I feel about myself? Do I like myself? (How much and why?) Do I love myself? (How much and why?) Do I enjoy spending time alone with myself? (Why or why not?)
- Men: How would I describe my relationships with other men? Women: How would I describe my relationships with other women? What close friendships do I have? What do I long for in relationships with men and women? To what degree are those needs currently being fulfilled? Do I develop unhealthy dependencies? (Give examples.)
- How do I describe my relationship with my father and my mother? Do I enjoy spending time with each of them? How well do we communicate emotionally? In what ways are we honest and not honest with each other? Do I hold grudges? (List them.) Do I believe that he or she loves me? (Why or why not?) Do I feel his or her love? (Why or why not?) Do I feel he or she is proud of me? (Why or why not?)
- How do I describe my relationship with God? Do I believe that He knows me personally? Do I believe that He loves me? (Why or why not?) Do I feel His love? (Why or why not?) Do I feel He is proud of me? (Why or why not?) How often do I pray? (Is it quality time talking with Him?)
- How well do I understand gospel principles? Do I understand faith, repentance, and forgiveness and do I act on it? How much or how little do I let God into my life? How often do I think of God when faced with temptations?
Not only should you take the time necessary to carefully consider questions such as these, but it is important to write down your answers. Although this may seem like busy work, it will be valuable both now and later. It will help you now as you put together a strategic plan of action because the answers can help you consider areas that need improvement. The information will also be helpful to you later. Sometimes we make progress in such small increments that we don’t notice the progress. Being able to look back later and read your answers will help you see the progress you have made. When you get discouraged, you can read where you were and gain encouragement by seeing the progress you have made.
Develop Specific Goals
With your initial self-inventory in hand, you can sit down with your therapist or with a friend and identify the areas where you want to concentrate. Be sure to include specific things do to repair, build, and grow. Pick a few areas and write down specific things you can do to improve. A goal without a written plan of action is just a wish. As you read the remaining chapters of this book, consider how each issue relates to you personally and write them down so you can frequently refer to them, reevaluate them, and add to them.
Consider both emotional and spiritual goals. The emotional repairing and maturing section of your plan may include things like coming to grips with past emotional trauma, resolving current emotional conflicts, overcoming emotional detachments and dependencies, learning to love appropriately, building healthy relationships, correcting self-perceptions, and building self-worth and feelings of masculinity for men and femininity for women.
The spiritual development section may include growing in ways such as surrendering to God, having a mighty change of heart, overcoming envy and lust, giving charitable service, and developing spiritual wholeness. Personal growth and healing come as you put total faith in God who has the power to change your life. There is no condition you could be born into that He cannot repair. There is no condition that could obstruct your temporal and eternal happiness and potential that He cannot correct.
Both the emotional and spiritual aspects need to be addressed during the process, or it won’t be complete. Some people say, “I’ve tried fasting and prayer and scripture reading, but it just doesn’t work!” Others say, “I’ve been in therapy for years and I just can’t seem to make progress.” Some people develop healthy relationships to meet their emotional needs but neglect the spiritual needs. If you grow emotionally, but not spiritually, you won’t have the spiritual power necessary to make it through difficult transitions. If you move along the spiritual track, but not the emotional one, the temptations may be overpowering. This process of growth includes practical steps but also requires faith.
Ask your therapist or other confidant to help you gauge how you are growing both spiritually and emotionally. You may need to increase work in one area or another to keep them in balance. When the effort is not balanced, people appear to make good progress, but the progress is temporary and they eventually relapse. While they take care of some of the deficits in their lives, their progress is not permanent because it is not whole.
Repair, Then Build
It may be helpful to think of your efforts in terms of a two-step process:
- Fix the mess, such as correcting your self-image, addressing past trauma, resolving gender identity conflicts, and controlling compulsive behavior.
- Build a better future, such as making life choices, growing emotionally, developing healthy relationships, and following God.
Keep a Long-Term Perspective
We make poor choices in life when we change our focus from eternal, long-term goals to the short term and choose the easy way rather than the more difficult but more important. As Stephen Covey explained, “We are more in need of a vision (or destination) and a compass (a set of principles or directions), and less in need of a road map. We often don’t know what the terrain ahead will be like or what we will need to go through it; much will depend on our judgment at the time. But an inner compass will always give us direction.”[1]
Consider Multiple Factors
People who experience same-sex attraction have often faced multiple issues at critical times in their lives. These may include issues such as rejection, envy, abuse, identity, distrust, or fear. Numerous things may have to be in place at the same time for you to make significant progress. Almost always, it requires things like sincere spiritual growth, individual therapy, and sticking with a program for several years. Those who commit to this level usually see significant progress in addressing their challenges.
Some individuals are masters at avoiding the real issues in their lives. For them, it may take a trained therapist to help them understand and resolve their challenges. Once they discover their needs, then they can find legitimate, healthy ways to fill those needs. Although you can control homosexual behavior in the short term by exercising willpower, the emotional deficits and unmet social needs will not go away until you legitimately fulfill the needs and mature.
Keep Balance
Peter explained, “In my own life, I have come to recognize the need for balance. I believe that a lot of the difficulties I have had is the result of an imbalance. I had too few close friendships during certain childhood and adolescent years. I had too much preoccupation with sex during some adolescent years. I had too little access to a father model during early childhood. I had too little acceptance from my older brother when I looked up to him. For several years, I felt too comfortable spending time with my mother and therefore did not go outside and play with male friends.”
Not only can the imbalance contribute to the development of problems, but a continued imbalance can contribute to failure as you try to resolve the problems. Your life is like a quilt. The colors and textures of the individual pieces and threads all combine to make a work of art. Be sure you work on intellectual, physical, spiritual, social, and emotional goals in a balanced way.
Set Boundaries
Another reason people fail in their efforts to control homosexual behavior is because they fail to set boundaries for themselves. A recovering alcoholic, for example, may need to draw the line at entering a bar. If he rationalizes that he can enter the bar and socialize with his drinking buddies but not be tempted to drink, he is fooling himself. You may need to establish boundaries that you commit not to cross.
Physical boundaries may be easy to define but there are also other boundaries to consider that may be more difficult to define, such as emotional boundaries. If you find it easy to fall into emotional dependency, you may need to establish emotional rules and hold to them. Although you may not always be able to control how you feel, you can choose how to respond to those feelings. Your emotions give you clues to understanding yourself.
Abuse can affect the concept of boundaries. All forms of abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual) involve a violation of boundaries. Abuse may cause confusion as to what boundaries are and where they can or should exist. To avoid being abused, define your own boundaries. To avoid being abusive of others, respect their boundaries.
You are the steward of your body and have the right to determine who can touch your body. If you have been the victim of abuse, you may have come to feel that others have a right to touch and use your body. This false perception can be changed by discovering your self-worth and working through the effects of abuse with a therapist. If you have become enslaved in sexual addictions, you may feel you are helpless in controlling physical intimacy. But with professional counseling and God’s help, you can overcome addictions and gain control and self-respect.
Take the time now to evaluate current boundaries because they may be nebulous. Setting and obeying personal boundaries is a way to show self-integrity and self-respect. Setting boundaries is not just a one-time event; it is a constant process of defining, redefining, evaluating, and maintaining boundaries.
Set boundaries with the media you expose yourself to. Even things that aren’t sexually titillating can negatively affect you, like gay-themed movies and TV shows.
Monitor Progress
It is common to have recurring doubts as you work on your action plan. Even as you make progress, you may at times become discouraged or have returning doubts. To overcome these doubts, look back at your previous self-assessments and compare your current conditions with them. This will not only give you encouragement, but can help you make adjustments to your plan as needed.
Be Accountable and Write in a Journal
We can receive support by being accountable to others—to God, to your church leader, to your therapist, and to a spouse or close friend. It is also important to be accountable to yourself through introspection and journaling. Spend time thinking and writing in your journal about the events and feelings you experience each day. Stephen Covey reminds us that “keeping a journal of our thoughts, experiences, insights, and learning promotes mental clarity, exactness, and context.”[2] Don’t just record events superficially. Think and write about deeper levels including your thoughts, feelings, dreams, and ideas. Record anything that moves you, whether the event is happy or upsetting. Describe your feelings and try to determine why you feel the way you do. Studies show that people who write regularly in journals feel less stressed about their lives and more in control.
Journal writing is a way to monitor and direct your life. With the fast pace of life, it can be helpful to pause for a few minutes each day to reflect on what happened and why. The act of writing in a journal gets your thoughts outside your head and slows down your thinking process so you can make connected, complete thoughts. Sometimes, our life passes by us as if it were a dream. But life is not a dream, and journaling is a way to help you recognize what is happening in your life and keep it directed. As time passes, your interpretations of the past will change. So don’t just write down facts and events but also describe how you felt at the time. When you clearly know your thoughts, you will be less afraid of them and will see them for what they are. You may also compare current entries with previous entries to evaluate the progress you are making. Journaling can be especially helpful if you do not have someone available with whom you can talk things through.
Journaling is also a process by which you can work out grief and healing. If you have unresolved issues with your father, writing him a letter in your journal can be a way of working things out and bringing closure to painful situations.
Use a Multifaceted Approach
You will be more successful if you use all the relationships and resources available, such as family, friends, counselors, church leaders, faith, prayer, group and individual therapy, books, and support groups. You may need to grow in areas such as coming to understand your true self, confirming your masculine identity, healing old wounds, forgiving, reconciling relationships with others, and learning to control your behavior. And most important, spirituality will need to play a major motivating role. Commitment to and faith in God is the key to applying healing power in your life. If you are ready to do these kinds of things, you can be successful.
Consider Who You Should Tell
When and who you should tell about your feelings and attractions are matters that each individual must determine through prayer and inspiration. What is best for one may not be for another. You may feel that those who are closest to you should know about your efforts so they can help and support you.
Spouse
If you are married, your spouse deserves to know about your attractions. You cannot be of one flesh (see Matthew 19:5) if you hide important parts of your life from your spouse. Spouses are sometimes in tune with their partner’s feelings before their partner ever understands them.
Jason explained, “I was married and had children before I realized I had same-sex attractions. After I saw a therapist a few times, I knew I had to tell my wife. I spent quite a bit of time preparing just how I would tell her. I picked a holiday weekend so we would have several days to thoroughly talk things out. I explained to her that I had emotional problems I was trying to work out and that I was seeing a therapist trying to understand them. I explained my feelings of loneliness, and we talked about masculine identity and the need for male companionship. We talked about my difficulty in developing satisfying relationships with men. It was several hours before I ever used the words homosexuality or same-sex attraction, and I tried to help her see it as an emotional problem and not just a sexual one. I told her I could not make it on my own. I needed to share these experiences with her. There was a lot of talking and crying, then more talking and more crying. Although it was difficult, she was supportive and committed to helping me through it. I am grateful that my wife knows about these challenges in my life and that she is there to support me. After a particularly good therapy session or support group meeting, I needed to be able to share my positive feelings and successes with her. This experience has helped us grow together in ways we never did before.”
Ginger explained her situation as follows: “My husband…told me about his struggles with same-sex attraction…after we had been married for one year. As he talked to me that day, I remember feeling a deep outpouring of love for him, and a profound sense of sadness that he had struggled all alone for so many years. I was impressed that he would share something so intimate and painful with me. [He], in turn, was amazed that I didn’t kick him out of my life. He told me it was his first experience with unconditional love. The thought of leaving my husband never occurred to me. He was still the same man I loved, and I felt even closer to him that day because of the way he opened up his heart to me. That day was a turning point in both our lives.”[3]
Parents and Siblings
Jason explained, “I have disclosed my attractions to my older brother since I suspected he also experienced same-sex attraction. The fact that we have shared this part of our lives with each other has brought us closer together. I have chosen not to tell my parents or other family members because I feel it would not be helpful or necessary to do so.”
Steve wrote the following about telling his parents: “On Sunday, I told my parents and what a relief it was! I never could have expected their response. Had I known they were going to be as supportive as they were, I would have told them years ago. I guess I underestimated them. They were totally shocked, which actually surprised me, because I thought they suspected it when I was growing up. I shared with them all the things I thought about myself growing up and was surprised to find out that they were just my perceptions and not necessarily how other people viewed me, particularly my parents. My dad said that he knew he was non-emotional and that he often has considered trying to change. He said if it would help me and boost my self-esteem, then he would like to try. He then came over and gave me a big hug—the first I can remember in thirty-six years—and I’m thirty-six! He even called me at work the next day, which he never does, just to tell me how sad he was and that he felt like crying, not because he was sad that I was dealing with this, but sad that I had been unhappy for so long and he never knew. What a positive experience!”
Children
Scott wrote the following about his experience telling his son: “The moment we knew would come had arrived. My oldest son (almost fourteen) finally asked the question! I was working on the computer writing about my life experiences when my son came home. He wanted to use the computer, and I wouldn’t give it to him, so he kept coming in and out of the room and walking over to see what I was working on, and I kept trying nonchalantly to keep him from seeing what I was typing. I was nearly finished when my hovering son finally came out and asked, ‘Dad, are you gay?’ I dodged the question, and he said, ‘You didn’t answer me.’ So I said something dumb like, ‘Why? Are you?’ He answered that he wasn’t. Then I answered, ‘Yes. I have been.’ Then I looked at him and asked, ‘Does that bother you?’ Having the basic question answered seemed to satisfy him and he just went back to asking when he could use the computer. Later that evening he was very loving. He came by several times and hugged me and told me that he loved me. I read to him for a while at bedtime and when we finished, I said to him, ‘Son, it’s important for you to know that I love Mom, and that I always have.’ He just gave me a hug and went to bed. It wasn’t nearly as painful as I’d imagined or feared it would be. In fact, it wasn’t painful at all.”
Children who are loved and respected by their parents tend to love and respect their parents. However, beware that many adolescents are not mature enough to be as accepting or understanding as Scott’s son. You and your spouse should prayerfully decide whether to tell your children, and when. If you tell them, explain that you are not perfect (if you have made behavioral mistakes), but don’t discredit yourself or demean men (or women) in general. If the children don’t respect the role of men and fathers (and women and mothers), they may develop identity problems themselves.
Friends
Some people have also found a very positive experience in telling a close friend. They have generally been very surprised to learn that others will still accept and love them even when they know their “deep, dark secret.” This has helped them feel loved for who they really are, rather than for the facade they tried to present. This realization often improves their self-perception.
Todd described his experience sharing personal issues with friends as follows: “True friends will always accept us, even though they cannot completely relate. Having said that, it is amazing to find how many people can relate to same-sex attraction even though they may not have personally experienced such. I have found that everyone I have shared my ‘terrible secret’ with has accepted me and become a closer friend because of the sharing. Indeed, the process was a necessary part of my healing.”
Use Caution
Although the above stories are positive experiences, don’t expect that everyone’s reaction will be positive. Some individuals have been ostracized from their families or have lost close friends when they told them about their same-sex attractions. The people you tell are human and come from varied backgrounds. They have their own limitations and hang-ups, and each will react differently. Some can display unconditional love, but others may lash out at you. Some may blame themselves while others may blame your friends or other situations in life. Be patient and give them time to come to understand, just as you expect them to be patient with you. If they hesitate initially, don’t interpret it to mean that you are unacceptable or unlovable. Recognize that now having shared with them, your relationship can grow to increased levels. Deeper relationships are worth the initial pain they may cause.
[1] Covey, Stephen R. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Calendar, 25 Mar. 1996.
[2] Covey, Stephen R. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Calendar, 1996, 12 Mar. 1996.
[3] Hyde, Garrick and Hyde, Ginger, eds. A Place in the Kingdom: Spiritual Insights from Latter-day Saints about Same-sex Attraction, Century Publishing, Salt Lake City, UT, 1997, p. 13.