Your loved one needs the support and encouragement of friends, family, and church leaders to deal with the complex issues that confront him. Multiple healthy connections in church, social, and personal life can make an enormous difference.
Living with same-sex attraction can be complex—and much more difficult when faced alone. Multiple healthy connections in church, social, and personal life can be an enormous support.
Provide Encouragement
Most people with same-sex attraction need lots of encouragement and motivation to deal with the complex issues that confront them.
People who disclose their same-sex attractions to you may well be among the most courageous individuals you will ever meet. Revealing this very personal part of life is often extremely difficult, especially when doing so for the first time. Acknowledge their courage.
They may need you to remind them about their growth and progress over time. Some people have difficulty noticing their own growth and don’t recognize it until someone else points it out.
It is important to maintain a realistic and practical perspective. There are no quick fixes for many of the issues they may deal with. Encourage them to as they progress gradually and as far as they are able.
If you have suggestions to offer, ask for his permission before doing so and then state your thoughts and opinions with humility. As you provide advice and correction, balance it with many expressions of love, admiration, respect, and affection.
Remain true to the beliefs and values you share, even if he strays from those values.
Facilitate Support
Individuals who experience same-sex attraction need support from several sources: family, spiritual leaders, friends, mentors, and skilled professionals. Help them see what support they have and what additional support they need.
It may not be necessary for everyone in a support network to know about the person’s same-sex attractions. Ask permission from your loved one before you disclose the nature of his issues to others. If he is the one to tell others, it may help him feel in control of his own information and give him experience rising above his shame.
Your goals in providing support should include helping them do the following:
- Develop healthy, nonsexual relationships with other men.
- Strengthen relationships with family, close friends, neighbors, and co-workers who can provide support.
- Find opportunities to work with others through community service, fellowship, recreation, and acts of kindness.
- Develop a plan of action to address underlying issues.
- Learn to manage sexual behavior.
- Consider accessing professional help to address addictive behaviors, emotional health, abuse, and other related issues.
Encourage Responsibility and Independence
We have the capacity and the responsibility to make choices about our lives. You can help your loved one accept responsibility to guide his life in positive ways.
However, there are limits to your influence. You can’t choose for your loved one how he will respond to his attractions. But you can encourage him to carefully consider his choices and take responsibility for the consequences of his choices. Encourage him to move toward independence and self-reliance.
Foster Spiritual Growth
Spiritual growth and development are powerful assets in resolving issues related to same-sex attraction. A spiritual growth plan may help your loved one achieve noticeable success in all areas of his life.
During this process of spiritual goal setting, remember that some individuals may be blocked in their spirituality by psychological issues. Some people transfer feelings and expectations from defective relationships with others onto their relationship with God or church leaders. Some have been raised in situations where religion was unconsciously used to promote guilt, shame, and compliance. And some will withdraw from God’s Spirit through their own behavior. These people may need substantial healing through professional counseling before they will be able to rebuild their spiritual life.
Avoid Doing Harm
Certain things can be harmful to those who experience same-sex attraction. Please note the following:
- Do not encourage a heterosexual marriage as a solution to same-sex attraction. Entering a heterosexual relationship will not cause homosexual desires to go away and can lead to extreme distress for the individual and the spouse. Note that some people experience changes in their attractions over time. At some point in their life, a heterosexual marriage may be an appropriate option for some people.
- Do not assume that your loved one’s same-sex attraction poses a danger to family members or others. Ask him about the nature of his attractions. You may ask directly whether he feels attracted to family members or to other people at church and whether he feels in danger of acting on those attractions. Most adult men with same-sex attraction are not sexually attracted to boys. Most adult men who are pedophiles are heterosexual.
- Never tell others about the same-sex attraction without your loved one’s knowledge and consent. Don’t insist that he tell family members or church leaders before he is ready to do so and before others are ready to hear it.
- Do not provide counsel for their psychological or emotional issues. Unless you are a trained professional with experience working with same-sex attraction, you run the risk of giving incorrect counsel, stirring up issues that you cannot properly handle, and delaying their access to appropriate therapy.
- Do not blame, become angry, or demand to know “why.” Remember, people do not choose same-sex attraction. Often, they don’t understand why they feel or behave as they do. Those who have engaged in homosexual behavior probably cannot provide a logical reason for it. Emotionally charged responses from you will only damage trust and cause them to pull away.
Specific Advice for Parents, Spouses, Friends, and Church Leaders
Parents
People who experience same-sex attraction may feel conflicted about how to reconcile their feelings with their values and religious beliefs. They may also feel shame, worthlessness, or fear of rejection. Parents can play a key role in helping their children face difficult and complex issues. As your child talks with you about his situation, acknowledge his courage in disclosing his issues with you and express your love and willingness to provide support.
Parents need to help their adult children assume responsibility for their own lives. Those who experience same-sex attraction sometimes fail to develop independence from parents, especially from mothers. Parents should help their children see themselves as independent and responsible adults. Independence includes living on their own, supporting themselves financially, making their own decisions, and being confident and assertive. Sometimes, parents encourage unhealthy co-dependence because the parents are emotionally needy. Avoid making decisions or handling situations for your child that he can handle.
If you are unsure how to implement these ideas, or find them confusing or anxiety producing, you may want to seek counseling for yourself.
Spouses
As a spouse, you need to focus on your own healing related to your partner’s same-sex attraction and on whatever issues you may have brought with you into the marriage. Although his attractions are not your fault or responsibility, they can nevertheless present a great opportunity for you to grow and overcome some of your own weaknesses. This allows your partner to focus on working through his or her same-sex attraction and related issues.
Sometimes, out of fear, doubt, or anxiety, spouses can become critical, demanding, or overbearing toward their same-sex attracted partners. While such feelings are understandable, they may get in the way of the partners’ ability to face their issues and slow their progress.
Friends
Friends may be in a good position to help their same-sex attracted friend take responsibility for their actions and their futures. Friends are usually not connected with family dynamics that may be causing pain or difficulty for those with same-sex attraction, which allows the friends greater opportunities to both support and guide.
Your opportunity to have a positive influence on your friend’s life will be determined by the amount of trust you create through demonstrating love. Your friend will feel your love as you offer consistent support and encouragement, as you accept him with all his weaknesses and difficulties, and as you express compassion in his worst moments.
Be aware that some men who experience same-sex attraction have a strong propensity to create dependencies on friends—particularly on friends of the same sex. If you sense that your friend relies too heavily on your opinion, looks to you too much for help or support, or seems unable to make choices on his own, this may indicate an unhealthy dependency. This may also be the case if you find yourself feeling drained by the relationship or feeling responsible for his wellbeing or safety. If you notice this happening, discuss it openly with your friend and encourage him to speak with a therapist about it.
Church Leaders
Create an environment and culture in your congregation where everyone feels welcomed and loved. Discuss the topic of same-sex attraction in appropriate ways in various settings at church so people see that the topic isn’t taboo. Seek to remove shame and combat stereotypes and myths.
Those who experience same-sex attraction are far more likely to approach you if they trust you and feel your love. They will feel your love as you offer consistent support and encouragement, as you accept them with all their weaknesses and difficulties, and as you express compassion in their worst moments.
People who experience same-sex attraction may feel conflicted about how to reconcile their feelings with their values and religious beliefs. They may also feel shame, worthlessness, or fear of rejection. Acknowledge their courage in disclosing their issues with you and express your love and willingness to provide emotional and spiritual support. Reassure them that God loves them.
Help them understand their identity as children of God. Help them recognize the spiritual strengths they have already developed. Help them develop or maintain spiritual patterns of living.
They may need to be reminded of God’s grace, especially when they make mistakes. Help them understand that unworthy actions do not diminish their individual worth. Help them learn to measure success by following God’s path.
As you provide counsel, the following suggestions may be helpful:
- Avoid offering over-simplified solutions, such as the idea that increased faith, prayer, fasting, or marriage will eliminate same-sex attractions.
- Help them be accountable for their actions and their personal growth. Help them set goals and actively follow up on those goals. Reinforce their good choices and behaviors that move them toward growth and greater responsibility.
- When needed, help them find counseling with a therapist who has specific training. If the church is paying some of the cost, ask the member to pay a portion to encourage a sense of investment and ownership.
- Help them get more connected to other members of the congregation.
Tips and Suggestions on How to Help
No two people with same-sex attraction are the same. Learning about his background and experiences can increase your understanding of him and empower you to minister to his deeper needs. For him, it is an opportunity to discuss these experiences with a compassionate and trusted ally.
He will be most willing to tell you about his problems and needs when he trusts you and feels your love. He will be more likely to disclose if he senses that you truly want to help and can help. When he discloses to you, take time to be sure you accurately understand him. You can do this by repeating back what you have heard and asking if you understand it correctly. Then it is crucial that you give him a compassionate and truthful response regarding your ability to provide what is needed. If you agree to help with a specific need, it is paramount that you follow through.
If you sense that he is hesitant to state his needs, ask him directly about ways you can be supportive. Be sensitive to not push him beyond his comfort zone, as it may result in him feeling shame or embarrassment and not wanting to speak with you more about his issues.
As you help him with these issues, you may need to handle questions differently, depending on your relationship with him.
- Church leaders can usually ask these questions directly if they have gained the person’s trust.
- Parents of minor children may approach their children directly if they have a reasonably open and trusting relationship with them. If they tend to withhold or if the relationship is conflictual, forcing the conversation may result in further distancing from them. In many cases, children can benefit from therapy, if they are willing. Much can be done to help willing children and teenagers build their confidence and self-esteem and come to understand their interests and attractions.
- Spouses have a right and a need to understand what their same-sex attracted partner is dealing with. However, it is important that the spouse has support—and preferably their own individual counseling—before they investigate these topics too deeply. Some of what they might learn could be triggering or traumatizing. Specific, unnecessary details may not be helpful for them to know, even as they often feel the need to know everything. Experience suggests that spouses do far better if they seek therapy when they learn details about their partner’s same-sex attractions, behaviors, and history. And it is vital that their therapist has specialized training in these issues.
- Other family members and friends should approach these topics gently and with permission of the individual. Depending on the depth of your relationship, it may not be important, or appropriate, for you to know much about some of the topics below.
Topics To Discuss
Below are topics you may want to discuss with your loved one to better understand his situation and be in a better position to help.
- The nature of his thoughts and attractions. How long he has felt this way.
- Difficult experiences he has had in his life, including sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional abuse.
- His feelings about himself as a man and as a child of God. The nature of his personal connection to God.
- His relationships with other men and with women. With whom he feels comfortable or uncomfortable, connected or detached.
- How his mind is involved in these issues. For example, you might ask how often he thinks about his attractions, how much he fantasizes about his desires, and whether he is obsessed with certain thoughts.
- If he has acted on his feelings and in what ways.
- Whether he has tried to stop unwanted behaviors and what the results have been. If he experiences sexual addiction, he may need an addiction recovery program as well as psychotherapy.
- The current state of his life, including friendships, finances, and career. If there are any problems with his living situation.
- How his situation has impacted family members. Who else knows about his situation and what their responses have been.
- What support he has from other people.
- If he experiences psychological or emotional difficulties such as depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, obsessive or negative thinking, flashbacks of traumatic events, or feeling disconnected from life and from other people. These problems can indicate a need for professional counseling.
- If he has hope for the future. How he envisions himself resolving his immediate conflicts and overcoming problems and behaviors. In his long-term future, how he imagines himself managing his life, feeling fulfilled, and maintaining a relationship with God.
- What spiritual and relational goals he has. Whether he wants to continue participating in the church congregation. Whether he wants to pursue same-sex romantic relationships or opposite-sex relationships.