Printing Tips

Many men and women who experience same-sex attraction feel inadequate in their masculinity and femininity. Having diminished feelings of masculinity does not mean that a man sees himself as feminine or wishes he were a woman. Nor does it mean that a woman with diminished feelings of femininity sees herself as masculine or wishes she were a man. There is a considerable difference between feeling inadequate as a man and feeling feminine (or feeling inadequate as a woman and feeling masculine). How you feel about yourself is crucial because these inner feelings of being incomplete or inadequate can be a breeding ground for a number of personal problems, including same-sex attraction. Not all people who have such conflicts are attracted to their gender, but those who experience same-sex attraction commonly experience feelings of inadequacy in their masculinity or femininity.

This section presents the concepts of gender identity and gender role, then addresses some of the conflicts people experience in the world today. It shows how rites of passage can help young men move into manhood and young women into womanhood. The section then suggests that you define what is masculine or feminine for you and gives example of role models. It discusses masculine and feminine characteristics and gives suggestions on how to improve your feelings of masculinity or femininity.

The developmental process

Gender is an essential characteristic of individual identity and purpose. However, simply because a person is physically a male or female does not mean that he or she will develop a secure masculine or feminine gender identity, nor accept a traditional male or female role.

Development of gender identity

A child’s identity as masculine or feminine is acquired in the early stages of life, usually by age three, and it is during this time that the foundation of sexual health is laid or sexual distress begins. Loving, consistent family relationships can help children accept themselves and their gender identity.

Development of gender role

Note: This section was written specifically for men, but many of the concepts are also true for women.

After young children identify their gender, they need to learn their gender role. It is usually from ages four to eleven that they comes to understand themselves as male or female and learn how to relate socially with others. A boy develops a healthy masculine gender role most effectively when he can use his father or another significant male in his life as a role model. Likewise, a girl develops a healthy feminine gender role most effectively when she can use her mother or another significant female in her life as a role model. Modeling is an essential part of this process. In cultures where the roles of mother and father are clearly defined, it is easier for boys and girls to seek to form themselves with clear perceptions of what they are to become. However, when the roles of mothers and fathers are uncertain and vacillating, the model becomes blurred and children are confused. Joseph Nicolosi explained that for boys, "The mother’s attitude toward father—and men in general—is very significant. If she undermines his role in the family, this diminishes his status as a desirable model. If the mother does not reflect him as a model to strive for, she fails to demonstrate that there is esteem related to being masculine." (Nicolosi, 1991, p. 84)

Boys can admire their fathers and girls can admire their mothers and pattern their lives after them. Fathers can reinforce and affirm their sons' masculine behavior. Mothers can reinforce and affirm their daughters' feminine behavior. Through many interactions, boys learn from their fathers how to do masculine things and girls learn from their mothers how to do feminine things. Fathers also teach boys about femininity by demonstrating how men should treat women. Mothers also teach girls about masculinity by demonstrating how women should treat men. It is important that children attach and identify with their same-sex parent and that they don’t perceive them to be absent or emotionally disinterested. They need to feel that their parents are actively and emotionally interested in their socialization. If a boy feels affirmed in masculine qualities and roles, he accepts them. If he feels rejected, he may develop a confused identity and detach himself from the masculine. If a girl feels affirmed in feminine qualities and roles, she accepts them. If she feels rejected, she may develop a confused identity and detach herself from the feminine.

In earlier times, boys worked daily at the side of their fathers in the fields or in the blacksmith shop. They had close relationships and boys learned from their fathers what it meant to be a man. The industrial revolution took fathers out of the home and put them in factories, and later the information revolution put them in offices doing work that boys don’t understand. Today, fathers spend little meaningful time with their sons and therefore boys don’t have as many opportunities to learn concepts of masculinity from their fathers. The same is true to a lesser extent for girls.

Sexual development

Adolescence can be a very confusing time. Just as children are trying to learn who they are and how they fit in with the world, their bodies begin the profound physical and emotional changes of puberty. Although they are physically becoming adults, they may lack the experience and maturity to deal effectively with the social, emotional, and physical changes taking place.

Masculine conflict

It is difficult to be a man in the world today. In his book The Hazards of Being Male, Herb Goldberg explains that even from childhood, males are in constant conflict. He wrote, "the elementary school setting puts the young boy into more than his share of painful binds. While there is great peer pressure to act like a boy, the teacher’s coveted classroom values are traditionally ‘feminine’ ones. The emphasis is on politeness, neatness, docility, and cleanliness, with not much approved room being given for the boy to flex his muscles. Teacher’s greatest efforts often go into keeping the boys quiet and in their seats." (Goldberg, 1976, pp. 174–75) Dr. Goldberg further explained, "[T]he young boy in our culture is placed into countless such dilemmas. He is told he must become a boy but he has to do so with very limited male model availability. He is taught that ‘real boys’ are active and strong but then gets into trouble in school for acting like a ‘real boy.’ He is in constant conflict between his own restlessness and the desire to be active and his teacher’s demand that he be quiet, submissive, and passive." (Goldberg, 1976, p. 175)

Suppressing feelings

Young boys are taught to suppress their feelings. "From early boyhood on, his emotions are suppressed by others and therefore repressed by himself. In countless ways he is constantly being conditioned not to express his feelings and needs openly. Though he too has needs for dependency, he learns that it is unmasculine to act in a dependent way. It is also unmasculine to be frightened (‘scared’), to want to be held, stroked, and kissed, to cry, etc. While all of these expressions of self are acceptable in a girl they are incompatible with the boy’s sought after image of being tough and in control." (Goldberg, 1976, p. 176)

Performance

Boys are taught from a very early age that they must perform. While it is okay for women to focus on relationships and be open emotionally, men learn to be more closed and competitive. As boys, they must run faster and jump higher. As teenagers, they must have the best cars and date the prettiest girls. As adults, they must have the highest-paying jobs and the most expensive houses. As a result, men learn to measure their success not in terms of happiness or fulfillment, but in terms of performance. They define themselves in external rather than internal terms. This performance-oriented view of masculinity is so focused on goals that close friendships become difficult. While such a focus may enable a man to build a career, it inevitably sets up emotional roadblocks to a fulfilling personal life.

Accepting help

Men are typically adept at denying their problems. They learn to be self-sufficient and feel inadequate if they ask for help. Therefore, they typically wait until their lives have fallen apart before they seek help. When they do seek help, they want quick solutions to complex problems. The good news is that there is a movement in America today for men to realize they should not judge themselves solely by performance standards, but can be more self-fulfilled, can show emotions, and can reach out to others for help. Men are reading books like Fire in the Belly by Sam Keen and Iron John by Robert Bly and going to self-discovery weekend retreats to try to understand their feelings and bond with other men.

Rites of passage

A rite of passage is an event that helps young people make transitions in their life. These ceremonies of manhood can be powerful, life-changing moments where, in the presence of dad and other men, a boy can mark either his progress toward or passage into manhood. Religious cultures have many rituals of passage, such as the blessing of children, baptism, missions, and marriage.

Today, people are beginning to recognize the importance of these ceremonies of manhood and are giving them increased emphasis. A number of Christian and Jewish organizations in the United States are incorporating new rites of passage to help young people make the transition from youth to adulthood. These rites include wilderness survival programs, reconstructed African rituals in churches, revitalized confirmations in Protestant churches, bar and bat mitzvahs in synagogues, and newly created rituals using mythology, art, music, and games in various settings. (Religion Watch, 1996, pp. 1–2)

As a boy passes through these stages of life, the father should help his son recognize the attendant responsibilities and roles. A central function of fathering is to help the son identify and assimilate his roles in life, such as the role of a son, a boy, a man, and a father. If you missed out on these rites of passage, as an adult you may benefit from a rite of passage experiential program. (Section six of The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian has more information on rites of passage.)

Understanding masculinity and Femininity

What does it mean to be masculine or feminine? Society dictates much of what we deem masculine and feminine. American culture says that a man should be tough and not cry. Is your concept of a "manly man" one that builds sheds, fixes cars, drives trucks, drinks beer, watches sports by the hour, and ignores the feelings of others? Traditional American culture also says that a woman should be subdued and protected by her husband. We gain our concept of manliness and femininity from how we interpret the world around us.

It is important to define what is masculine and feminine to you.

Men are often attracted to other men who appear to have the masculine traits they desire; they somehow feel they can make up for the deficiency through sexual contact with the "ideal man." One man explained the envy he felt toward high school athletes. "I wanted to consume the jocks’ talents and personalities. I coveted their physical attributes, which I presumed were the source of their self-esteem and outward popularity. Fixating on their physical abilities quickly led to sexual fantasies."

Masculine and feminine qualities

It is necessary for everyone to have both masculine and feminine characteristics. A man has mostly male qualities and a woman has mostly female qualities. But a woman needs some masculine characteristics to give balance to her feminine side and a man needs some feminine characteristics to smooth out the rough edges of his masculinity. Rambo needs a little culture, emotion, and sensitivity. It is important to develop both because being out of balance with either can contribute to personal problems. The problem with many men who experience same-sex attraction is not that they have too much of the female qualities, but that their male qualities are underdeveloped. If men see masculinity as self-centered and cruel, they may suppress their masculine side and develop only their feminine side (perhaps emulating the good qualities they see in their mother). It was helpful for me to learn more about masculine and feminine characteristics to better develop both within me. I found two books by Robert A. Johnson helpful: He: Understanding Masculine Psychology and She: Understanding Feminine Psychology. The book Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus by John Gray also helped me understand the physical and emotional differences between men and women. It helped me understand that my wife perceives things differently than I do and that she will have different emotional expressions of her needs.

Improving your feelings of masculinity

Many men come to realize that what they experience as a same-sex attraction is really an attraction for qualities of masculinity they feel lacking. The following are suggestions to help improve feelings of masculinity:

Define and incorporate good masculine qualities. After you define what is appropriately masculine for you, develop a plan of action to incorporate the things you feel you are missing. Remember to keep a good balance of masculine and feminine qualities. If you have any mannerisms or dress that would alienate you from other men, you may decide to change them without detracting from your individuality. There are a variety of acceptable masculine styles. If you are not happy with your voice, practice using a voice with a low pitch, medium pace, and volume. If you are personally dissatisfied with any traits, decide if they are really worth worrying about. If they are, work to change them but don’t concentrate on them so much that they distract you from other important pursuits.

Risk by extending yourself. If you are unhappy with your current situation, don't give in to who you are now and give up on what you could become. Take the risk to stretch yourself and do things you have not done before.

Interact with other men. Find ways to join groups of men at work or in the community. Join sports teams or find a group that enjoys a certain type of recreation. Join in conversations with other men. Study up on a sports team so you can interject an occasional "How about the Bulls?"

Keep physically fit. Your weight, nutrition, and exercise can all contribute to your self-image. Regular exercise can help reduce anxiety, tension, mental fatigue, and depression. But even more important, I find that when I am out of shape I don’t feel like participating on the community basketball team or doing other things that would make me feel like I fit in with the guys. When I am strong and physically fit, I feel in control of my life. I enjoy working out at the gym because I am doing something masculine and it gives me the chance to associate with other men in a masculine environment. However, the gym can be a two-edged sword, offering both hope and fear. As Joseph Nicolosi explained, "It is one of the few all-male environments that provides both temptation and the healing sense of contact with masculinity." (Nicolosi, 1991, p. 280) Do you go to the gym for a legitimate workout or do you have other motives? A friend of mine used to refer to his "executive workout," a triathlon consisting of the sauna, steam room, and whirlpool. If you go to the gym for the scenery and not the physical rigors of a legitimate workout, you shouldn’t be there at all. If it is a tempting place for you, find other ways to get a good workout without going to a gym. When my old gym became a cruising place, I changed to another gym. If you know cruising happens at certain times, avoid those times. To avoid any possibility of temptations, I go with several friends and that makes it even more enjoyable with their company.

Sports

Society focuses on winners. Winners get the lion’s share of attention and few people even remember who else was in the running. In this competitive environment, a boy who is ill-coordinated or weak tends to be labeled a loser and his self-confidence is severely put to the test. Although there can be healthy competition, an emphasis on winning at all costs may be the single greatest reason why some young people get turned off to sports and physical fitness. Years later, no one may remember who won or lost the game, but he will always remember if he was left out. If a boy has negative experiences with physical activities or sports, it may result in a lifetime aversion to sports, both as a participant and a fan.

Psychologist Gerard van den Aardweg said, "studies reveal that most of the men with [same-sex attractions] had an outspoken childhood aversion for soccer or other group games. Such games are more or less the embodiment of boyish activity in our culture; they require enjoying competition with other boys and some fighting spirit and indicate adjustment to the peer group." (Aardweg, 1985, p. 68) Jeff Konrad wrote, "I wanted to overcome certain inhibitions and rid myself of the crippling envy I’d felt. . . . I also wanted to get in shape, so I joined a health club. And hating my lifelong feelings of being awkward and incompetent at sports while other guys seemed to have been born on the playing field, I learned how to play softball and then volleyball by taking morning classes at Orange Coast. Anything that I’d allowed to restrain me in the past I was now determined to overcome. Every root I could find to my negative self-image and homosexual behavior was regarded as a challenge." (Konrad, pp. 237–38)

My father was not home much as I grew up, and I was never encouraged to participate in sports. I was never on a little league team nor do I recall ever playing backyard football with neighborhood friends. The closest I ever got to team sports was playing Red Rover. In college, it seemed that all that my roommates cared about was sports. So on Saturdays while they vegetated on the couch watching one game after another, I went to work or the library. The more they cared about sports, the less I cared, and the gulf between us grew wider. When they dragged me to a college football game, I found myself cheering at the wrong times, so I soon replaced "yea" and "boo" to "oh-h-h-h" which they could interpret as either good or bad, depending on how the play turned out.

Sports play an important role in masculinity because men in much of the world spend a great deal of time watching and playing sports. If you are not involved in sports at least to some degree, you will be left out of much of male life in society and feel more separated from other men. If you have never developed a skill at a sport, it is not too late to learn. There are sports groups that teach adults the basic rules of the game and provide opportunity to develop basic skills. (See the section sports programs for more information.)

For further reading: